(Thanks to David at Authorblog for the Post of the Day. I’m honored, truly.)
We continued on with our arrangement. We lived life, together, but not. He did his thing which revolved around a computer.
I did my thing, which revolved around me basically being miserable, and seriously unfulfilled. At times I believe I actually grieved for what I believed a marriage was supposed to be. I wanted Mr. Epi to be that person that I couldn’t wait to get home and see. That person that I wanted tell you secrets to. That person who I thought of instantly when something amazing or horrible happened. And I wanted to be that person to him.
Sadly, that wasn’t the case for either of us. I didn’t want to sleep with him, sex was the farthest thing from my mind. We didn’t hold hands, we had never even had a family portrait done. There was nothing passionate about us. Basically we were phenomenal roomates. We never fought. I reserved my passion for my Son. My little guy who Mr. Epi was growing less than disinterested in.
He was getting short with him, almost constantly. FC was just three-year-old. And that was something I couldn’t tolerate. Toddlers, Pre-Schoolers, kids in general, they can and will at times leech every bit of patience out of you. It happens. Hell, it happened to me last night. Mr. Epi just had no time for FC.
I remember one day when FC found Mr. Epi’s Nextel work phone sitting on the desk. FC deposited it directly into the toilet. (Something I WISHED I would have done. God how I hated that phone). I heard Mr. Epi yelling, I came running. When I realized what happened I swept FC up into my arms and headed directly for the car. He was that angry.
FC at Cedar Point a month or so before the cell phone incident.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those parents who believe their child is a precious little snowflake who does no wrong. But when your child, your blood, is constantly afraid of you. When they want nothing to do with you… Something’s not right.
Did I talk to Mr. Epi about it? You bet your ass I did. I talked and talked and begged until I was blue in the face. He listened (or pretended to listen… I choose to believe he really was listening, just not understanding how serious I was). The whole situation was horrible. I had poor communication skills, and his were even worse. He would make promises to change the way he dealt with FC, and I’d believe him.
Mr. Epi was never physically abusive with FC. I want to make that completely clear. I was always the disciplinarian in the family. If FC deserved a swat, I delivered it. And I always followed it up with me holding him and telling him why he was spanked and that I loved him. Still do the same today.
Still, FC and Mr. Epi never really bonded. And as hard as I worked to make that happen, it never really did. And that really bothers me, even today.
When FC was 4 1/2, I found out I was pregnant with the little girl. On Labor Day, 2004, oddly enough. How’s that for irony? It took me three pregnancy tests and two very close friends to convince me to tell him we were pregnant again. I was on Birth Control, for what it’s worth. Unfortunately no one informed me that post Gastric Bypass one becomes uber fertile. And that Birth Control pills aren’t the way to go anymore.
As excited as I was at the thought of another little one to spill my love on to…. The pregnancy itself exhausted me. I thought this was supposed to be easier once you drop a ton of weight… It wasn’t. My little one was sucking the life out of me. I dropped 40 pounds while pregnant with her, to the horror of my OBGYN. I was his Gastric Bypass guinea pig. He didn’t know what to do with me.
Things between Mr. Epi and I were improving. He was taking an interest in this pregnancy. He went to appointments with me, and even let a tear slip when we found out that we were having a baby girl. We had our family picture taken, finally.
Pics by Portrait Innovations, Levis Commons Toledo, Ohio.
By week 36 in my pregnancy, I was beyond miserable. I couldn’t breathe, I had developed an incisional hernia (from my Gastric Bypass surgery), and I was still losing weight. My OB made the decision to induce me, once again.
As miserable as I was, I didn’t want to be induced again. The first time was bad enough. I talked him into giving the little one another week to cook, and then reevaluating me. One week passed, I lost five more pounds. I was in the hospital that night.
The pregnancy might have sucked, by the labor and delivery went extremely well. I didn’t feel a thing. I had an hour long massage from the massage therapist (covered by insurance, btw!) that relaxed me to the point where I went from 2cm to 10cm. I pushed four times and she popped out. Thank you Jesus for Epidurals that actually work.
Yes, I’m actually on the computer. Even while in labor. I’m smiling, so how bad could it have been???
That’s me and the little Princess, SWR. I look pretty wiped out. I could have used some makeup before having pictures taken :) Okay, I’m kidding. Kind of.
She only has eyes for her Daddy. Still does to this day, as much as it drives me insane. (That came out the wrong way, I’m grateful that they have the relationship they have. I just wish that he and FC had the same relationship.
My baby girl. LOOK AT THAT HAIR!!!
We brought her home two days later. She changed our world instantly. FC was the perfect newborn. He slept through the night at two weeks old for cryin’ out loud. SWR developed colic early. Ever the overachiever. That’s my girl.
As far as Mr. Epi and I went, things improved, kind of. We were closer at least, that’s for sure. Having a new baby in the house was obviously a little stressful, but it wasn’t bad. FC absolutely adored his baby sister and wanted nothing more than to help me take care of her. Mr. Epi was the same way. He wanted to help in any way he could.
Unfortunately he still was standoffish with our Son. He was fantastic with me. He made sure I knew how much he loved me. He was an amazing father with our little girl. But he still had issues with our now five-year-old son. FC was and is an amazing little boy. This is the little boy who begged me to teach him sign language at the age of four. The boy who decided that be wanted to be not just an EMT (like his Mom) but a Medic (before I even went to Medic school) at five. He thrived on learning new things, like his Mom. He was (and still is) a very gracious and well behaved boy. Why couldn’t Mr. Epi deal with him?
I was at my wit’s end.
**********
Wonderfull story:) I always wondered why you hardly talk about your hubby…….then I realized I rarely do. I can’t wait to read the rest of your life-story:)
Thanks for sharing your story.
{{{{ HUGS }}}}
It is hard not to fix the relationship issues between one’s partner and one’s kids. Heart breaking :(
Karen
that should have been :
It is hard not to be able to fix the relationship issues between one’s partner and one’s kids.
I clearly can’t type early in the morning ^^
Karen
as usual….amazing!
want more!
Hope you’re feeling a bit better.
Xx
Wow… Epi.. I just realized we are semi-distant neighbors! LOL
Stay strong my dear. Thanks for sharing.
I know exactly what you mean when you say that you and Mr Epi were phenomenal roomates, ’cause Urbaner and I were the same way for many years. We still are, to an extent. It’s something I still struggle with.
Urbaner and Numbah Two are very, very close and they always have been. Urbaner and Littlest ‘Ling, however, was a totally different matter. He wasn’t ever abusive with him or harder on him than he was the other 2, but because he and LL weren’t close it seemed like the only time he ever interacted with him was to chastise him on get on him for something. It made me really sad and, at times, angry…..because I could see LL’s feeling be hurt whenever his dad chose to be with his brother rather than be with him.
Things have changed in the past year, though. LL and his dad are tight with each other now; their relationship is better than it ever has been and I cannot begin to tell you how much that pleases me and makes me happy. LL’s life has improved across the board; his grades are better, he’s more relaxed and is generally a happier kid. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I have a pretty good idea (I’ll email you with it if you’re interested, it’s not something I’m ready to talk about publicly just yet).
You have some wonderful kids, Epi.
I’m sorry to hear that life has dealt you some tough breaks. Hubby and I just celebrated fifty-five years together…..and they said it would never last! Here’s the story of how not to start a marriage….
http://cookiesoven.blogspot.com/2006/08/perfectionist.html
Hope things are better with Mr. Epi and your son….. he will want that relationship when he is an old geezer.
You deal with many issues here, so frankly, so honestly.
Bonds are what sustain families – every single member.
I get the feeling that this story does not end happily. You are so open and frank and write beatifully but I can’t believe that Epi could be still around and reading this. I hope I am wrong, those beautiful children need the love of both parents.
I would say how odd if it wasn’t for the fact that I think in a LOT of cases, this is absolutely normal behavior…I think things will improve immensely down the road, as your sonshine gets older…or at least, that’s the case with Mac and our boys…
hugs
Sandi
ps
congrats on Post of the Day!
Just over for a look see. Congratulations on making the big time on David’s Authorblog. Glad things are improving. Keep working at it. It’s worth keeping. Pappy
ETL: Thank you :) Hopefully I can wrap it up this weekend. It’s turning into therapy for me ;)
Karen: It’s harder than I ever imagined. Thank you for the comments!
Chapati: It’s like night and day from a week ago. I’m feeling so much better. Thank you for the kind words.
Strong One: Now you have my interest piqued… I’ll have to shoot you an email!
Ninja: I don’t know how I missed your comment… I’m sorry that LL went through a lot of what FC went through… And I’m curious. I’ll talk to you real soon. Thank you girl!
Kacey: Thank you for the comment… It han’t been the easiest ten years of my life, but it’s definitely been a learning experience. 55-years! What an amazing accomplishment!
David: Thank you, David. As always. I found that every time I tried to clean the rough edges of the story it lost something. I decided to just let it out. Thanks again for your comment.
Moannie: It doesn’t end as badly as you might think. We’ve gone through a lot over the years. And the kids are doing well. They still have both of us. Thank you for the kind compliment.
Sandi: That was something that I had to learn on my own. It was just odd for me because I was very close to both of my parents, even after their divorce. Things have improved for both of them.
Hey Texican, thanks!
This story really moves me. It is so like my sister’s and my childhood. My dad never developed a good relationship with me but my sister he took under his wing. I think that children love their parents even when the parent’s behavior isn’t worthy of that love. And a parent can not be abusive and still not be benign. I wish you well and pray that things continue to improve between you, your husband and the children.
Peace! & Hope!
Lee
Wow! What a story. Little girl is one of the cutest newborns I’ve ever seen!
Over from Authorblog.
I came over here from David’s Authorblog.
Congratulations on winning his Post of the Day Award! :-)
After reading your story, I cannot even begin to imagine how much suffering you have been through. I wish you the very best for the future!
Hello Epi,
I don’t know if you will see this, as we’re now in April! I’ve spent the last couple of days reading your blog having just found it. I had to respond to this post as it really spoke to me. I have 3 daughters, oldest (now 24) from my first marriage, the others are 21 and 18. Mr. Chow (my OH) is a kind, calm and pretty uninvolved father (and husband!) we are definitely roommates….which in many ways suits me just fine. He has been a great (if slightly distant) stepfather to Eldest Girl and in many ways is a great father too. He has many issues. I suspect if we’d had a son he would have found it very difficult indeed as he had no experience of a normal father/son relationship. His father was a horror, I will say no more than that about him. Sometimes I feel that I am very much the ‘main’ parent, it is me they talk to, me who tried to teach right from wrong, me that issued the hugs etc.
The point I’m (slowly) getting to is that family dynamics are weird in the extreme. In the spirit of honesty I must admit that me relationship with Middle Daughter has, at times, been difficult. She is 100 percent of his family, she is a mini version of his sister and in the past I found that hard to cope with at times. But I can tell you that over the years this has resolved and she and I are very close. I have learned to value her all the more for the ways in which she is different to ‘my side’ of the family tree. Her unpredictability (to me) is refreshing! Youngest Girl is a mini-me, which I also value for different reasons. I suppose what I am saying in my long winded fashion is that Mr. Epi and FC may well grow a wonderful, close and appreciative relationship in the years to come. You may well be pleasantly surprised. I do hope so. Middle girl and I are proof that this can happen!
In fact I now find myself in a situation where MG will be my only one at home quite soon, something I would have never expected to happen. Eldest Girl moved out yesterday (sob!) and Youngest moves out in the not very far distant future to live with her fiance (sob again!).
I have loved reading your blog, thanks so much for your writing and photos.