Caramel Corn and wine.

Alternately titled:  Why you won’t be getting caramel corn from Epi this year.

My Mother, bless her heart, has a recipe for homemade caramel corn that is melt in your mouth good.  This stuff is straight from heaven good.  It’s just sweet enough without threatening to put you into a diabetic coma.

Cracker Jack?  Pffffft. Sure, you get a prize, but have  you seen what they consider a prize lately?  Not to mention the fact that the amount of peanuts in the box has dwindled down to five.

Crunch and Munch?  Puhleeeeze. You’ll spend more time picking the popcorn out of your teeth than anything.

My Mom’s caramel corn is better then sex.

It’s that good. (And for the record, I’ve had good sex.  More than once even.)

So anyway, here’s the recipe (It comes with a warning, keep reading):

Caramel Corn

2 Sticks (1/2 pound) butter (NOT margarine, you want real butter)

2 Cups packed brown sugar

1/2 Cup light Karo syrup

1 Teaspoon vanilla

1 Teaspoon Baking Soda

3 regular size bags of microwave popcorn

(Get the cheap stuff, we used Kroger brand, 98% fat free, unbuttered plain old popcorn.  It’s on sale for a buck this week.  If you plan on going to old fashioned route and air pop your popcorn, you’re going to need about six quarts of popped corn.)

You might also want to poor yourself a nice sized glass of wine, this stuff takes awhile, but it’s worth it.

Step one.   You need a large oven roaster pan.  Coat it with non-stick cooking spray.  Argue with your Mother over your choice of aforementioned spray.  Take a sip of wine.

Step two.  Pop the popcorn.  Toss it into the roaster.  Make sure you have at least two inches between the top of the popcorn and the top of the pan.

Step three.  In a large sauce pan, melt the butter over medium heat.  Add the karo syrup and the brown sugar to the melted butter.

Stir constantly until it begins to bubble.  Take this opportunity to giggle at my Mom’s Suzy Homemaker oven with the push buttons.  Take another sip of wine.

Once it starts to bubble, and this is very important…. Leave it alone.  No stirring.  Time it for five minutes.  No more no less.  Five (minutes) shalt be the number thou shalt count,  and the number of the minutes shall be five.  Six minutes shalt thou not count, neither count thou four, excepting that thou then proceed to Five.  Six is right out.

Apologise to your mother for quoting Monty Python, take another sip of wine and wonder where you inherited your sense of humor, because it certainly wasn’t from her.  Watch the clock like a hawk for five minutes.

Refill your glass of wine.

Step… Oh hell, I lost track of what number I was on half an hour ago.  When the five minutes is up, remove the pot of molten lava from the burner and stir in the vanilla and the baking soda.  Stir it some more.

Step 522.  Try like hell not to burn yourself.  Here is where that warning comes in that I mentioned earlier.    This shit is hot.  Blistering.  Fiery.  Febrile?  Okay, febrile doesn’t work so well, think of magma.  It’s hot. If you happen to own nomex gloves, put ‘em on.  Or find your local hottie in turnout gear, certainly they can help you out.

I got a nasty little burn from that stuff.  Be very careful.   Damn if I didn’t scream like a three year old with a skinned knee.

Pour the mixture over the popcorn in the roaster.

And once again, stir it.  Stir it some more.  Stir it yet again.  If you alternate arms you can get a very nice little workout in.  Burn off some of the calories from the wine.

Once the popcorn is coated, place it in a 250 degree oven for an hour.  Stir it every fifteen minutes.  Make sure that the shelf you put the roaster on is in the middle of the oven and not too close to the heating element because a batch of this stuff burning will make your house smell decidedly UN-yummy.  Or so someone told me.  Because certainly I wouldn’t burn two straight batches.

Inbetween stirrings, grab another glass of wine, sit down and have a decent conversation with someone.  Or play solitaire.  Or fill out those Christmas cards that you’ve been putting off for the last three weeks.

Once this roaster full of goodness is done baking (you did remember to stir it, right?), remove it from the oven and pour it (carefully) into a very large bowl to cool.  Give it a few minutes before you sample it.  It’s still a bit warm.

Let it cool, break it apart, and store in an airtight container.

Or put it in these cute little bags.

Swear that you’ll never volunteer to make this stuff again.  Realize that you still have five more batches to make.  Take a very long sip of wine.  Realize that you don’t even know the people who will be receiving this caramel corn, and start drinking out of the bottle.