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Caramel Corn and wine.

Alternately titled: Why you won’t be getting caramel corn from Epi this year.

My Mother, bless her heart, has a recipe for homemade caramel corn that is melt in your mouth good. This stuff is straight from heaven good. It’s just sweet enough without threatening to put you into a diabetic coma.

Cracker Jack? Pffffft. Sure, you get a prize, but have you seen what they consider a prize lately? Not to mention the fact that the amount of peanuts in the box has dwindled down to five.

Crunch and Munch? Puhleeeeze. You’ll spend more time picking the popcorn out of your teeth than anything.

My Mom’s caramel corn is better then sex.

It’s that good. (And for the record, I’ve had good sex. More than once even.)

So anyway, here’s the recipe (It comes with a warning, keep reading):

Caramel Corn

2 Sticks (1/2 pound) butter (NOT margarine, you want real butter)

2 Cups packed brown sugar

1/2 Cup light Karo syrup

1 Teaspoon vanilla

1 Teaspoon Baking Soda

3 regular size bags of microwave popcorn

(Get the cheap stuff, we used Kroger brand, 98% fat free, unbuttered plain old popcorn. It’s on sale for a buck this week. If you plan on going to old fashioned route and air pop your popcorn, you’re going to need about six quarts of popped corn.)

You might also want to poor yourself a nice sized glass of wine, this stuff takes awhile, but it’s worth it.

Step one. You need a large oven roaster pan. Coat it with non-stick cooking spray. Argue with your Mother over your choice of aforementioned spray. Take a sip of wine.

Step two. Pop the popcorn. Toss it into the roaster. Make sure you have at least two inches between the top of the popcorn and the top of the pan.

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Step three. In a large sauce pan, melt the butter over medium heat. Add the karo syrup and the brown sugar to the melted butter.

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Stir constantly until it begins to bubble. Take this opportunity to giggle at my Mom’s Suzy Homemaker oven with the push buttons. Take another sip of wine.

Once it starts to bubble, and this is very important…. Leave it alone. No stirring. Time it for five minutes. No more no less. Five (minutes) shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the minutes shall be five. Six minutes shalt thou not count, neither count thou four, excepting that thou then proceed to Five. Six is right out.

Apologise to your mother for quoting Monty Python, take another sip of wine and wonder where you inherited your sense of humor, because it certainly wasn’t from her. Watch the clock like a hawk for five minutes.

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Refill your glass of wine.

Step… Oh hell, I lost track of what number I was on half an hour ago. When the five minutes is up, remove the pot of molten lava from the burner and stir in the vanilla and the baking soda. Stir it some more.

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Step 522. Try like hell not to burn yourself. Here is where that warning comes in that I mentioned earlier. This shit is hot. Blistering. Fiery. Febrile? Okay, febrile doesn’t work so well, think of magma. It’s hot. If you happen to own nomex gloves, put ‘em on. Or find your local hottie in turnout gear, certainly they can help you out.

I got a nasty little burn from that stuff. Be very careful. Damn if I didn’t scream like a three year old with a skinned knee.

Pour the mixture over the popcorn in the roaster.

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And once again, stir it. Stir it some more. Stir it yet again. If you alternate arms you can get a very nice little workout in. Burn off some of the calories from the wine.

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Once the popcorn is coated, place it in a 250 degree oven for an hour. Stir it every fifteen minutes. Make sure that the shelf you put the roaster on is in the middle of the oven and not too close to the heating element because a batch of this stuff burning will make your house smell decidedly UN-yummy. Or so someone told me. Because certainly I wouldn’t burn two straight batches.

Inbetween stirrings, grab another glass of wine, sit down and have a decent conversation with someone. Or play solitaire. Or fill out those Christmas cards that you’ve been putting off for the last three weeks.

Once this roaster full of goodness is done baking (you did remember to stir it, right?), remove it from the oven and pour it (carefully) into a very large bowl to cool. Give it a few minutes before you sample it. It’s still a bit warm.

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Let it cool, break it apart, and store in an airtight container.

Or put it in these cute little bags.

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Swear that you’ll never volunteer to make this stuff again. Realize that you still have five more batches to make. Take a very long sip of wine. Realize that you don’t even know the people who will be receiving this caramel corn, and start drinking out of the bottle.

Posted by epijunky on December 18, 2008 • Filed under: Family, Funny Stuff, Me Stuff

From Completely Confident to An..Annn…Anxious pt. II

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Here’s the first post in the series… this is the conclusion. I realize that this isn’t the most interesting post I’ve put up, but it’s one that I’m extremely proud of for some reason.

For those of you medical types who are reading and who have been through (or even teach) ACLS, I realize that it’s been dumbed down (for lack of a better way to put it) and that it was considerably harder to pass for a lot of you. Others walked through it with their eyes closed. For my class it had been built up to be one of the most stressful nights of the year.

We sat in the hallway, staring blankly at our notes. The brown and tan berber carpeting (seemingly laid directly on top of concrete) offered no comfort to our sore backsides. Any irritation we were feeling at that point would soon be replaced by the pain of the mental spanking we were sure to get from our I/C’s. The Mega Code was minutes away.

We were quickly joined in the quiet hallway by three or four others, equally as nervous. Liza, the only other female in the class looked pale.

“How’d you do,” I asked her.

She shook her head. “What the hell was up with the procainamide questions? I mean… Procainamide? Really??? What VW class is it?”

“1a” three of us replied simultaneously.

“Shit.” She slumped down against the wall across from me. “I knew that.”

“Did Mikey finish yet?” I had to know. Mikey had spent the first half of the course on my heels in the classroom standings. He was also dating Liza.

“He’s in the bathroom.” Liza sighed. “He wasn’t feeling well.”

The door to the skills lab opened up and I/C #2 popped his head out. “Jeff and Epi, let’s go.”

Jeff helped me get to my feet while our classmates wished us luck. We passed the two who had just finished testing. They didn’t look very pleased with their performances.

**********

I/C #2 sat at a desk a few feet away. Our patient, an adult sized manikin was sitting on a stretcher. A quick visual survey revealed a LP-12, an orange drug box, collars, IV supplies, oxygen tanks with tubing, you name it we had it. Most of the contents of an ambulance was in that room. Unfortunately it wasn’t organized in any way and I was instantly worried that we were going to be wasting time looking for things.

“Are we able to take a few minutes to put things together? This room is a mess.” I didn’t know if we had what we needed. Or if we even drugs in the drug box. Knowing I/C #2, it was probably empty.

Our I/C nodded. “Go ahead. Let me know if you need anything.” His nose was buried in that month’s edition of Fire Chief Magazine.

We had everything we needed. Except for vasopressin and epi. A small oversight, I’m sure. Our I/C immediately opened a drawer to his desk and produced several boxes. He tossed them to Jeff.

Score one, Team Epi.

When the room was finally set up with some sort of order, we were ready to go.

I was already sweating. My poor partner Jeff wasn’t much better off.

My extremely intimidating (up until this point) I/C shuffled some papers and wrote a note on one of them. He looked me in the eye and started, “Epi, you’re up. Do what you can do with that arm… I don’t want you hurting yourself any more than you already are. Are you ready?”

I nodded.

I/C: You are toned out for a 48 year old female c/o SOB and lightheadedness. Family states that they were out shopping when Mom started to feel dizzy, they got her home immediately and now she’s having some difficulty breathing”

Easy enough, yeah?

I struggled with the latex free gloves, putting gloves on with one bad arm isn’t as easy as you would think. Add in the fact that my hands were a little…er… sweaty (Hey, I was nervous!) and it’s impossible. Once they are on I start. “I have my BSI on, is my scene safe?”

I/C: “It is.”

Epi: “Do I have all of my resources with me? ” My I/C nods and tells me that I do.

“What kind of help do I have?” It’d be nice if he would tell me that there’s a cardiologist willing to travel with the patient in the room. Yeah. Like that’s going to happen.

I/C: Paramedic Partner, four first responders.

“Ma’am, my name is Epi, I’m a paramedic, can you tell me what’s going on tonight?” I look to the I/C for his (er, her?) response.

He responds in a not-so-forced effeminate voice, “Well, I was out shopping for a new handbag, (he pauses to breathe) and I just got this (pauses to breathe) jittery feeling. (forced exhale)”

I talk to our patient, “Okay Ma’am, we’re going to take good care of you. How about I put some oxygen on you, I think it might help you feel a little better.” I turn from the manikin to my I/C and say, “I’m going to put her on 15L by NRB.”

He nods and makes a check on a sheet of paper. I hook up the O2 and put it on our patient.

“There you go,” I start. “Have you ever had something like this happen before? Do you have any history of or do you see a doctor for any medical problems?” I find myself already caring about our lifeless manikin. “Just breathe that oxygen in.” I turn again to our I/C. “I’m going to take her radial pulse. Do I have one?”

Our I/C rolls his eyes. “Yes, you have a radial pulse, the patient has a history of controlled IDDM.”

I roll my eyes right back at him. “Can I have the rate?”

“It’s too fast to count. Over 160.”

Back to the patient, “Ma’am, do you have any allergies?”

“No allergies” The I/C responds.

“Ma’am, your heart is beating a little too fast, which is why you probably feel the way you do. I can correct this, but there are a few things I have to do. I have to start an IV and put these pads on you that will take a picture of your heart. Would that be okay?” I look to the I/C for our patient’s response. I/C nods in the affirmative and tells me to “do what I have to do.”

“I’m going to have my partner start an IV and hang a bag of saline…” And then I drew my first blank of the night.

What’s next? Why is my instructor rolling his eyes again? Why am I flipping out? I know this! Why did I bother with explaining everything? It’s an effing manikin for crying out loud. Shit shit shit shit shit. This room is the temperature of the sixth level of Hell. Okay, Epi… Let’s get back on track. Airway is clear, the patient is breathing, the patient’s pulse is sky high, but she’s stable so far. No allergies (thank GOD), what’s next?… Monitor?

“I’m going to have a first responder get a baseline set of vitals, BP, pulse ox, while I get her on the monitor.”

My I/C nods.

I fumble with the packaging to the electrodes. It’s already open, but my fingers can’t quite get to them. I hand the package to Jeff and ask him under my breath to fish them out while I take my sling off. I can’t work with it on. Jeff hands me the stickers, one by one, and I put them in their proper place on our patient.

“IV’s in. 18 in the left AC” Jeff is proud of his taping job, I can tell. It consists of four or five wraps around the arm with two inch tape. That IV’s not going anywhere.

I work to untangle the leads and manage to finally get everything connected. I turn on the monitor and am rewarded with a nice clean SVT in lead II. “I see SVT on the monitor, my leads are all good, correct?”

I/C: Yes, your leads are good.

I can see her rate is at 170-ish. “What are her vitals?”

I/C shuffled a few papers and reads them off. “BP is 110/78, respiratory rate is 22, pulse ox is 92.”

“Ma’am, we’re going to hook up just a few more wires here to get a better picture of what your heart is doing. Are you doing okay still?”

I/C responds, “I’m *takes a breath* doing okay. *takes a breath* Go ahead.”

I attach the 12 lead patches and hook the leads up in record time. An accomplishment for the one-armed medic student. I print the 12-lead and decide to go with adenosine. What kind of person has a favorite cardiac drug? A geek. This geek.

“Ma’am, I’m going to give you a little medicine through your IV… It’s going to help slow your heart rate down…. Uhm… You might feel a little discomfort.” I turn back to the I/C. I’m going to give adenosine, 6mg rapid ivp with a 10cc flush. First I’m going to check the drug for the six rights, right patient, right route, right drug, right time, right documentation, right… right… Dammit.”

I/C: Excuse me?

I was wracking my brain for the sixth right… “Uhm, Right dosage?”

I/C: Are you asking?

I wiped the beads of sweat from my forehead. “No, Sir.” I can feel my heart beating in my chest and wonder if maybe I might need a little adenosine myself. “It’s right dosage.”

I/C: Okay, continue.

Another check in my favor.

“I’m going to push the adenosine fast and follow it with the flush. I’m watching for conversion from the SVT.” I know it’s not going to be that easy. I hold my breath and wait to see what button on the simulator my I/C is going to press.

The rate drops from 170-ish to 120-ish for a brief few seconds… It skyrockets back up to 220-ish and holds. I curse under my breath. “Okay, we’re going to try a second dose at 12mg. Again, confirming my six rights.” I push the second dose, flush it, and watch and wait.

Asystole. We have a winner.

I hold my breath and wait for something close to NSR to march across the LP screen. Thirty seconds later we’re still in asystole.

Fantastic. I killed her. With my favorite cardiac drug. Effing wonderful.

“Okay, we’re in asystole. Are my leads still good?” I/C nods. And yawns.

“We’re going to…” I couldn’t make up my mind… Pacing or CPR… Pacing or CPR… “I’m going to start compress–”

A bleep marches across the screen… then another. Then another. “Okay, I’m not going to start compressions…” I reach down to check the patients radial pulse again. “Do I have a radial pulse that matches the rate of … 43. Or so???”

I/C nods.

“Is my patient conscious?”

I/C channels his best female patient voice yet again. “Don’t you ever do that again, that hurt like hell!”

“I’m sorry ma’am. How are you feeling?”

I/C: “I’m a little bit dizzy… and my chest hurts something awful.”

I’m staring at the screen again… I can’t quite figure out what the rhythm is. I have p waves, I have QRS’s. They’re not matching up. Could be 3rd degree HB. Could be Wenckebach. QRS to QRS almost line up, and the p waves almost line up. Almost but not quite. Because our patient has chest pain (I realize she just had two hits of adenosine) and everything isn’t lining up exactly I have to go with 3rd degree HB.

“I’m going to have my first responders repeat a set of vitals, please?”

I/C nods. “You have respiratory rate at 20, BP is 92/62, pulse rate is 40.”

I decided to pace.

**********

In the end, my patient died.

She pulled through the SVT, and the 3rd degree HB, but went downhill quick with the bigeminal PVC’s, the STEMI, and the whole Asystole debacle.

I gave drugs, I paced, I shocked, I intubated, I did CPR, I gave more drugs, I did more CPR, I gave more drugs, I did more CPR. I gave more drugs, I did more CPR, I gave more drugs.

In the end it didn’t matter. It didn’t make any difference. My patient was dead and I was a sweaty mess with an aching fractured recently reduced shoulder that begged for narcotics.

Who knew that doing what you were supposed to do, and doing it correctly, could be so painful. (Okay, I’m sure a number of you just raised your hand. You know what I meant.)

The patient died, and I still passed. Funny how that works out.

Posted by epijunky on December 17, 2008 • Filed under: EMS, Me Stuff • Tagged: Medic School

Wasted Time Wednesday… A Christmas Meme.

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Not so shamelessly stolen from Sunday Stealing.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

Wrapping paper, definitely. Unless it’s a bottle of booze. Then it goes in a gift bag with some tissue paper.

2. Real tree or Artificial?

I prefer real trees, but I’m stuck with a fake one for awhile. I miss the smell more than anything. I used to tell my Mom that Nazi’s invented artificial Christmas Trees. She was not amused.

3. When do you put up the tree?

First weekend in Decemeber. For as long back as I can remember. Lights go up after Thanksgiving, preferably on a day that it isn’t snowing or below ten degrees.

4. When do you take the tree down?

When I was younger it stayed up until the first of the year. Now I usually take it down three or four days after Christmas.

5. Do you like eggnog?

*Makes a wretching gagging noise*

6. Favorite gift received as a child?

That’s a tough one… Depends on what age defines “child”. I’d probably have to say the camera that my Dad bought for me when I was 13 or 14. Canon EOS 630. He even bought me a telephoto lens and an external flash to go with it. God I loved that camera.

7. Hardest person to buy for?

My brother. What do you buy for the guy who has everything?

8. Easiest person to buy for?

My kids. They’re grateful for everything, including the box the present comes in.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?

I don’t. I wish I did.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?

Mail, of course. That reminds me, I better get to the post office today.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

Food Poisoning.

12. Favorite for Christmas dinner?

Homemade Pierogi’s and Kielbasa.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?

Much later than I should. I’ve been known to knock out all of my shopping in a day. I’m getting too old for that now.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

Funny story. One year for a white elephant gift exchange I purchased a gift set of Jones Soda Holiday flavors. (Click the link and read the review. It’s good stuff!) It’s hard to pass up green been casserole flavored soda. So I wrapped it up tossed it into the pile for the exchange. My brother was unfortunate enough to end up with it. The following year he wrapped it and put it back in the gift exchange. My Step Dad ended up with it that year. The following year we decided to taste test the now three year old beverages. Jesus I should write a blog post about that. Hilarity and hijinks (and gagging) ensued.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

Good question. My Mom’s home made caramel corn?

16. Lights on the tree?

Of course. What’s a Christmas Tree without lights?

17. Favorite Christmas song?

O Holy Night by Martina McBride

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

Travel, but only because I have to.

19. Angel on the tree top or a star?

An Angel. Handed down from my Mom.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?

When I was younger my Mother let us open one present Christmas Eve, with the rest to be opened the following morning… I’ve continued that tradition with my little ones. Keeps them from bouncing off the walls too much :)

Posted by epijunky on December 17, 2008 • Filed under: Me Stuff

My Letter to Santa….

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Dear Santa…

I’ve had a very rough year… In spite of that, I’ve been good… I swear I have. Don’t listen to what some folks are telling you. Particularly if their name is… Well, hell, it doesn’t matter. Don’t listen to them.

So here’s my Christmas list for this year.

Plain and simple… Take care of my kids my family and my friends. As much as I’m a fan of the sparkly things, and the shooty things… I don’t need them. Just take care of them.

Despite what you have come to believe, my daughter really is a good girl. She’s not an angel, not by any stretch. But she’s a good little girl. Unlike her brother, she will spontaneously bust out with an “I Lub You, Mama” without prompting. And without being in trouble. She wants anything and everything Princess or “Ammalance” related.

My boy is getting to that tricky age. At his core he’s a good kid but his compatriots are starting to rub off on him. He’s very grateful for everything he gets, but he’s learning to manipulate the adults around him, and that bothers me. His only request is a Nintendo DS this year. I should have bought it last year… My bad. I have a feeling it might be under the tree this year. I guess we’ll have to see how you’re feeling this year.

My Mom just wants her kids (The Responsible One and Myself) to be happy. We’re both there. We’re good! Less work for you!

My Brother, The Responsible One (Did I mention he’s responsible??) just wants what his Mom and I want. He wants his family to be taken care of. We are, Little Brother. We’re all okay. Well, I can’t vouch for Dad, but the rest of us are okay.

McHottie… I don’t know what he wants… Whatever that is… I hope he gets it. He’s a fantastic person, someone I count myself lucky to have met in the past year. He’s challenged me to be better at my job, (and with my patients) and he’s gotten me through so much… Whatever it is… give it to him. Hell, the guy trusted me enough to hand over a few weapons for target practice. That alone scores him whatever he wants.

And to that last person… You know who he is… He’s put up with more crap from me than any person should ever deal with. He’s my guy. He’s the only person I think of when something good or bad happens. He’s the one I worry about every day… He’s the one who puts up with me and my bs and my dreams and insecurities and everything else that is building up inside of me. Hell, he encourages me in spite of it. I don’t know why he continues to stick by me, but I’m glad he does.

Take care of him. Take care of all of them. That means no coal in their stockings.

Thank you. Ever your fan,

Epijunky

Posted by epijunky on December 17, 2008 • Filed under: Blogroll, EMS, Family, Me Stuff

A new little project for me…

6 comments

I’ve been following Her Space, My Space, His Space for some time, and I’ve always loved the creativity shown in the the images people put up… I’ve decided to jump in as my photography has kinda been pushed aside lately.

The prompt for today is “Gold”… Here’s my contribution.

Posted by epijunky on December 16, 2008 • Filed under: Uncategorized

Mom…

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I know you read my blog. I know you wish I wouldn’t put so much of myself out there for everyone to read. I know that you think that the internet is pure evil and that some of what you read causes you some stress… Some of it makes you laugh out loud. Some of it makes you sick.

I just wanted to take a second to thank you. I know that we kind of had it out tonight, but thank you. Thank you for having my best interests at heart (even if I didn’t realize it at the time) and for sticking up for me. I’m sorry I snapped at you. It’s been a rough couple of days. That’s no excuse, but it’s from my heart.

I’m truly blessed that I have you for a Mother. Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

Posted by epijunky on December 15, 2008 • Filed under: Uncategorized

What in the hell…

15 comments

Let’s play a game.

What is this? Make me laugh and I’ll send you something cool from LifeFlight. Cut off will be Thursday December 18th at Midnight.

(By the way, I got this pic from Cake Wrecks. Nothing’s funnier than a really poorly decorated cake.)

Posted by epijunky on December 15, 2008 • Filed under: Uncategorized

A question…

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I have a friend who had a seizure for the first time a few weeks ago.

She’s been checked out by her GP and has been given the all clear by a neurologist. They ran every test under the sun on her, all have come back negative (thank God!).

When I saw her this weekend for the first time since the seizure I noticed something odd about her. Her pupils specifically. One was twice the size of the other. She said that they’ve been that way since the night she had the seizure.

She asked me what would cause that to happen if she’s been told that she’s okay by the Docs. I had no answer for her. So while I’m swimming through an ocean of information on the internet, anyone out there have any idea? Could it be something completely benign?

Posted by epijunky on December 14, 2008 • Filed under: Uncategorized

I'm back.

4 comments

I have a few posts that are screaming to be published… Give me a day.

Pretty please?

I’ve had a fantastic couple of days that consisted of me getting enough sleep and enough play. Something I haven’t had in several months.

The kids got their fill in:

One of them got to sound the horn on a real firetruck (a shot lost forever to my recycle bin due to lack of focusing and setting my ISO properly), and She got to check out the back of an “ammulance”…

And one who hasn’t felt as fulfilled as he did when he beat someone he considers “the Master” of video games.

Yes, those are my babies.

As for me, this is as close as I got to the “shooty things”:

Once he figured out that I was a female who wanted to shoot a gun… Well, it was all over. What is it with Father-like figures and their inabillity to wrap their minds around the fact that maybe a girl would want to shoot a gun?

So for now, no pictures of me with “shooty things”. I’m sorry. I’ll correct that soon I hope. (McHottie, are you out there???)

Hope the last few days have gone as well for ya’ll as they have for me. There’s nothing that can beat a clear head.

Be safe out there.

Posted by epijunky on December 14, 2008 • Filed under: Uncategorized

Things I Did Today…

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Actually slept. For the first time in God knows how long I got some good sleep in. Ten hours.

Visited with some of the best friends I have. Realized that I’m a pretty damn good parent and not a horrible person either. Maybe I can let go of some of that guilt.

Met a fellow blogger. It was very cool to meet you and your cutie of a coworker who’s name I didn’t catch. And I wanted to thank you both for letting my kids have the run of the firehouse. She Who Rules is still talking about the horn on the firetruck.

Watched my kid beat a grown man at Guitar Hero. That kinda rocked. It was the highlight of my day.

I’m home tomorrow. Really.

Be safe out there.

Posted by epijunky on December 13, 2008 • Filed under: Uncategorized

No shooty pictures yet… but check out the scenery!

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Over 150 acres of woods and hills. It’s rocking my little world. And since deer season ended last week, I’m up to my knees in venison jerkey. There’s a very happy girl in Ohio right now.

Who will be much happier tomorrow when she goes out to take her anger out on some targets. He’s only trusting me with a .22, so I’ll have to deal with that, but I’ll manage somehow.

I’ll be back with something more earth-shattering soon. I promise.

Posted by epijunky on December 12, 2008 • Filed under: Family, Me Stuff

Out of town…

2 comments

Visiting family in Newark, Ohio. Time to recharge.

And visit the home of Longaberger Baskets. And go through some ammo :) I’ll have pictures soon.

Be safe ya’ll :)

Posted by epijunky on December 11, 2008 • Filed under: Uncategorized

In Lieu of Actual Content…

2 comments

Because I’m a little distracted…

Here’s a little Monty Python.

One of my favorite clips, actually.

Yeah, I never said I was right in the head :)

Posted by epijunky on December 9, 2008 • Filed under: Funny Stuff

Watch this.

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And have tissues available.

Thanks Christy (who got it from Stephanie) for making me do the ugly cry :)

Embedded video from <a href=”http://www.cnn.com/video” mce_href=”http://www.cnn.com/video”>CNN Video</a>

Posted by epijunky on December 9, 2008 • Filed under: Uncategorized

My Only Moment of Zen Today…

5 comments

Hand-me-down recliner: Free

Pokemon book: $10.00

Ten minutes of peace and quiet: Priceless.

For ten whole minutes today they didn’t antagonize eachother. I was in my happy place.

Posted by epijunky on December 9, 2008 • Filed under: Family

From Completely Confident to An..Annn…Anxious

3 comments

I have always been an excellent test taker.

In grade school we had to take state issued standardized tests. I routinely scored three years ahead of the grade I was in. In high school my class was the first required to pass a proficiency test to graduate. I was one of four in my class of 400 to pass it the first time. In Medic School I was at the top of my class, consistently scoring the highest on tests.

It’s never come easily for me, particularly in Medic School. I had to study my backside off to make those grades. I would habitually stay up for hours after putting the kids to sleep, pouring over my pharm flash cards, reading and rereading (and re-rereading) chapters that I had a hard time with.

The Endocrine System, for example. The bane of my existence. We had two quizzes and a final test over the course of two weeks. I think I studied a total of 60 hours on that damn chapter and never scored below a 95%. It definitely took a toll on me.

When we got to Cardiology I found myself revitalized. It’s a subject that’s always fascinated me as I lost my Grandfather to an MI when I was two, and my Mother (who was in phenomenal shape) had been developing some cardiac issues of her own. Some of my classmates were a little more anxious about the cardiac final. We were told if you scored below a 78% on the test you were not able to retake it. If we failed it we would wash out of the program we were now a third of the way through. The idea of failing the test was not an option to any of us. We all dealt with it in our own ways.

I dealt with that anxiety by studying to the point of mental and physical exhaustion. I wanted to walk confidently into that classroom, and I didn’t care how much studying I had to do to be able to do that. I wanted to sit down and answer all 180 questions correctly. Then I would go perform the Mega Code perfectly. Then I would go home and have a margarita to celebrate. Maybe two.

That was the plan.

The night before Test Day I spent two four hour chunks of time studying. By three in the morning I was falling asleep at my desk, drooling on my power points.

Get it together, Epi… Just go over it one more time… You can DO IT!

I picked my head up and wiped the sleep from my eyes and whined to no one in particular, “But I’m TIIIIIRED!!!!”

Fine. Go to sleep. You’ll be getting plenty of opportunities to sleep when you wash out of the class.

“Jesus, I’m talking to myself. And answering.” I knew it was time to hit the bed. What I didn’t know by now I wasn’t going to retain anyway. I was beyond exhausted. I stood up and stretched, feeling my back crack… The result of sitting in one position for two long.

Then it happened. I took one step. That was all it took. I stepped on a pile of power points that happened to be in sheet protectors. I slipped. I planted my left shoulder directly into the cinder block wall that my basement office was constructed of. From there I fell to the floor with my arms in front of me.

That’s me. I’m the graceful one.

The pain was instant and blinding. My first thought was something I can’t repeat here. My second thought was that I needed to go to bed, because I had a massive day ahead of me.

*skip ahead five hours*

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

I rolled over in bed to turn the alarm clock off and screamed. What I can only describe as the sensation of a red hot knife stuck in my shoulder shot a lightning bolt of pain down my left arm. I yelled a few more four letter words while my husband tried to make sense of what was going on. I told him what had happened earlier that morning. He couldn’t do much more than shake his head.

“Well, you know you need to go to the ER,” He said a few minutes later, making a pot of coffee.

I was holding my left arm up against my chest, the only position it could be in that wouldn’t result in me crying out in pain. “I know,” was all I could say.

Mr. Epi packed up my back pack with the power points and study notes that I would look over while waiting to be seen in the ER, and sent me on my way.

Yes, I drove myself to the ER, one armed.

**********

“Okay, so is it dislocated or broken?” I pushed my glasses up, the pain from my arm was so intense that I was sweating. I had been focused on test notes, studying to the very last possible minute. The ER Doctor, for the record, happened to be the Medical Director for the EMS service I worked for at the time.

“Epi, look at me.” His voice was calm, serious. He meant business. I looked up immediately. “Epi, it’s broken and dislocated. We’re going to have to give you some good drugs to reduce it. I’ll get a nurse in here to start a line on you.”

“Uhm, no. We can’t do that. I have a test to take today, if I’m not in Ann Arbor in two and a half hours I’m going to miss that test.” I set my papers aside and winced. Every movement was excruciating.

“I’ll write you a note for school.”

“No, you don’t understand. He won’t accept a note. If I miss this test I fail it. If I fail it I’m out of the class.” I did my best not to cry, but I was terrified. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I knew that he had been a Basic, and a Paramedic before medical school. I was pleading to that side of him.

“You really don’t want me to do this without sedation. It’s going to hurt like hell.”

“I’ll deal with it. Really. The only other option for me is to drive up to Ann Arbor, take my tests, and come back here afterwards.” I was just as serious as he was. Hell, I’ve delivered two babies, one without an epidural, surely I could handle this.

**********

Good GOD in Heaven did that hurt. The ER Doc reduced the dislocation, put my arm in a sling, and sent me out the door with a script for percocet. Too bad I wouldn’t be able to take one for another seven hours.

I made the hour long drive to Ann Arbor without incident.

Getting out of my car and carrying 30 pounds of books and binders filled with notes would prove to be slightly more difficult. My classmate and practicals partner, Jeff met me at my car. When he saw my arm in the sling his jaw hit the frozen Michigan asphalt.

“What in the HELL did you do?” He set his coffee on the roof of my car and grabbed my backpack from me.

Who said chivalry was dead?

After I told him the whole sordid tale, his only worry was whether or not I’d be able to do the Mega Code that night.

“Thanks, Jeff. Nice to know you care.” Sarcasm dripped from my lips.

“You know I care. I just don’t want to see Ben take your spot at the head of the class. Then I’d have to go bribe him to be his partner for practicals.” He smiled a big toothy dimpled smile. I couldn’t help but laugh.

As soon as we entered the building I sought out my I/C.

I should probably pause here for a moment. I might have mislead a few of you. While I truly believe I’m great at written tests… I get a mean case of stage fright when it comes to practical tests. It’s the oddest thing. Give me a real patient with real problems and I perform flawlessly (well, as flawlessly as can be expected in a Medic Student during a clinical, but I digress). I’m cool, calm and collected. Put me in front of a manikin in front of my classmates and I/C, and I freeze like a deer trapped in headlights.

Please don’t tell anyone. Thanks.

While seeking out my I/C I was silently praying that he would let me out of the Mega Code that night. I didn’t feel adequately prepared and certainly I couldn’t intubate one armed…. Well, I had never tried, but that was beside the point.

**********

“You’ve never tried to tube someone right handed? Didn’t he teach you anything?” I/C #1 was incredulous.

I shook my head. Jeff was standing next to me, and I had the feeling he wasn’t any more excited about the Mega Code than I was. I bit my lip and prayed silently.

Just give me one more day to prepare… please.

I/C #1 rubbed his temples and laughed out loud. “Hell girl, you don’t think every person you have to tube is going to be on his back, do you?”

I didn’t know what to say.

I/C #1 went on, “I can teach you how to tube with your right hand in about five minutes. You know your stuff, Epi, you’ll get through it just fine.”

Shit.

**********

I made it through the written Cardiac test just fine. As a matter of fact I pulled through like a rockstar.

It wasn’t until I turned in the written test that I started to get those butterflies. Jeff wasn’t nearly as confident about the written test and it showed. His normal jovial demeanor was replaced with a borderline anxiety attack.

“I failed it I failed it… I know I failed it. I can always go back to Arbors, they’re always looking for another CNA. I didn’t really want to be a Medic anyway. You know what? I think I’m going to go home. What’s the point in sweating the mega code when I failed the written test.” He was pacing back and forth and sounding more and more like what I was thinking to myself.

“Jeff, you passed. You knew your stuff. We did fine. Let’s just focus on this, make it through it, and go out and have a beer.” I was annoyed, very tired, and in pain. Not the best combination.

**********

Tomorrow, the conclusion. The Mega Code from Hell.

Posted by epijunky on December 8, 2008 • Filed under: EMS, Family • Tagged: Medic School

Life and Everything After – Part V

16 comments

(Thanks to David at Authorblog for the Post of the Day. I’m honored, truly.)
We continued on with our arrangement. We lived life, together, but not. He did his thing which revolved around a computer.

I did my thing, which revolved around me basically being miserable, and seriously unfulfilled. At times I believe I actually grieved for what I believed a marriage was supposed to be. I wanted Mr. Epi to be that person that I couldn’t wait to get home and see. That person that I wanted tell you secrets to. That person who I thought of instantly when something amazing or horrible happened. And I wanted to be that person to him.

Sadly, that wasn’t the case for either of us. I didn’t want to sleep with him, sex was the farthest thing from my mind. We didn’t hold hands, we had never even had a family portrait done. There was nothing passionate about us. Basically we were phenomenal roomates. We never fought. I reserved my passion for my Son. My little guy who Mr. Epi was growing less than disinterested in.

He was getting short with him, almost constantly. FC was just three-year-old. And that was something I couldn’t tolerate. Toddlers, Pre-Schoolers, kids in general, they can and will at times leech every bit of patience out of you. It happens. Hell, it happened to me last night. Mr. Epi just had no time for FC.

I remember one day when FC found Mr. Epi’s Nextel work phone sitting on the desk. FC deposited it directly into the toilet. (Something I WISHED I would have done. God how I hated that phone). I heard Mr. Epi yelling, I came running. When I realized what happened I swept FC up into my arms and headed directly for the car. He was that angry.

FC at Cedar Point a month or so before the cell phone incident.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those parents who believe their child is a precious little snowflake who does no wrong. But when your child, your blood, is constantly afraid of you. When they want nothing to do with you… Something’s not right.

Did I talk to Mr. Epi about it? You bet your ass I did. I talked and talked and begged until I was blue in the face. He listened (or pretended to listen… I choose to believe he really was listening, just not understanding how serious I was). The whole situation was horrible. I had poor communication skills, and his were even worse. He would make promises to change the way he dealt with FC, and I’d believe him.

Mr. Epi was never physically abusive with FC. I want to make that completely clear. I was always the disciplinarian in the family. If FC deserved a swat, I delivered it. And I always followed it up with me holding him and telling him why he was spanked and that I loved him. Still do the same today.

Still, FC and Mr. Epi never really bonded. And as hard as I worked to make that happen, it never really did. And that really bothers me, even today.

When FC was 4 1/2, I found out I was pregnant with the little girl. On Labor Day, 2004, oddly enough. How’s that for irony? It took me three pregnancy tests and two very close friends to convince me to tell him we were pregnant again. I was on Birth Control, for what it’s worth. Unfortunately no one informed me that post Gastric Bypass one becomes uber fertile. And that Birth Control pills aren’t the way to go anymore.

As excited as I was at the thought of another little one to spill my love on to…. The pregnancy itself exhausted me. I thought this was supposed to be easier once you drop a ton of weight… It wasn’t. My little one was sucking the life out of me. I dropped 40 pounds while pregnant with her, to the horror of my OBGYN. I was his Gastric Bypass guinea pig. He didn’t know what to do with me.

Things between Mr. Epi and I were improving. He was taking an interest in this pregnancy. He went to appointments with me, and even let a tear slip when we found out that we were having a baby girl. We had our family picture taken, finally.

Pics by Portrait Innovations, Levis Commons Toledo, Ohio.

By week 36 in my pregnancy, I was beyond miserable. I couldn’t breathe, I had developed an incisional hernia (from my Gastric Bypass surgery), and I was still losing weight. My OB made the decision to induce me, once again.

As miserable as I was, I didn’t want to be induced again. The first time was bad enough. I talked him into giving the little one another week to cook, and then reevaluating me. One week passed, I lost five more pounds. I was in the hospital that night.

The pregnancy might have sucked, by the labor and delivery went extremely well. I didn’t feel a thing. I had an hour long massage from the massage therapist (covered by insurance, btw!) that relaxed me to the point where I went from 2cm to 10cm. I pushed four times and she popped out. Thank you Jesus for Epidurals that actually work.

Yes, I’m actually on the computer. Even while in labor. I’m smiling, so how bad could it have been???

That’s me and the little Princess, SWR. I look pretty wiped out. I could have used some makeup before having pictures taken :) Okay, I’m kidding. Kind of.

She only has eyes for her Daddy. Still does to this day, as much as it drives me insane. (That came out the wrong way, I’m grateful that they have the relationship they have. I just wish that he and FC had the same relationship.

My baby girl. LOOK AT THAT HAIR!!!

We brought her home two days later. She changed our world instantly. FC was the perfect newborn. He slept through the night at two weeks old for cryin’ out loud. SWR developed colic early. Ever the overachiever. That’s my girl.

As far as Mr. Epi and I went, things improved, kind of. We were closer at least, that’s for sure. Having a new baby in the house was obviously a little stressful, but it wasn’t bad. FC absolutely adored his baby sister and wanted nothing more than to help me take care of her. Mr. Epi was the same way. He wanted to help in any way he could.

Unfortunately he still was standoffish with our Son. He was fantastic with me. He made sure I knew how much he loved me. He was an amazing father with our little girl. But he still had issues with our now five-year-old son. FC was and is an amazing little boy. This is the little boy who begged me to teach him sign language at the age of four. The boy who decided that be wanted to be not just an EMT (like his Mom) but a Medic (before I even went to Medic school) at five. He thrived on learning new things, like his Mom. He was (and still is) a very gracious and well behaved boy. Why couldn’t Mr. Epi deal with him?

I was at my wit’s end.

**********

Posted by epijunky on December 7, 2008 • Filed under: Family, Me Stuff

I'm not pleased.

3 comments

I moved to WordPress about a week ago and have up until this point been very happy.

Until tonight.

I published a post. It’s gone. Completely gone. No record of it in my dashboard, no sign of it actually have been published.

It wasn’t a masterpiece, but it was something I worked on for a a week or so. And I’m pretty pissed that it’s just gone. Something that NEVER happened while I was on Blogger.

Sorry, just had to vent.

Posted by epijunky on December 7, 2008 • Filed under: Uncategorized

An update…

15 comments

I started to post this in comments, but I wanted to make sure that everyone would see it.

Ya’ll are my family. Every single one of you. The emails, the comments, the phone calls… It’s been overwhelming. I mean seriously, it’s me. I got more phone calls and emails from ya’ll than my own loved ones and biological family.

Five days ago I wasn’t able to roll over in bed on my own, let alone get to my feet without assistance. I was in tears every time I needed to move from one position to another. I had never been in so much pain. It scared me, but it scared my little ones even more. They’re not used to seeing Mom cry out. Hell, they’re not used to seeing me cry at all.

Three days ago I couldn’t walk without a very pronounced limp. I went from crying to gorked-out-on-dilaudid. I have recall very little from Saturday night until Monday evening. So if I talked to you on the phone or on the computer while I was in the hospital and I said something even more ridiculous than normal, my apologies. If I proposed marriage or made any lewd comments, my deepest apologies. (I think?!?)

Yesterday I felt marginally better, but still couldn’t stand up straight (let alone walk like that), I was a sight for sore eyes, believe me.

I really thought (based on my last bout of sciatica, which lasted three months and wasn’t nearly as painful) that this flare up was going to last well into the Holiday season. Something that depressed the hell out of me.

I’m happy to tell you that today I’m walking upright, in moderate pain still, but nothing that requires narcotics. (I can also roll over in bed on my own without crying, thankyouverymuch!) I can can go from supine to sitting, or sitting to standing without assistance (or tears!). My left knee and ankle still hurt like hell, but it’s more of a dull constant pain with a bit of a burning sensation than the sharp stabbing pain that I was experiencing just a few days ago.

I’m healed, folks… As far as I’m concerned.

Thank you, once again for the positive thoughts and prayers you sent my way. Looks like someone was listening and took pity on my gimpy ass.

Posted by epijunky on December 4, 2008 • Filed under: Blogroll, Funny Stuff, Uncategorized

Grey's Anatomy tonight…

5 comments

We have Dead Denny appearing in the first two minutes.

My day is complete.

Posted by epijunky on December 4, 2008 • Filed under: Me Stuff • Tagged: Dead Denny

Self tagged by Breda.

2 comments

Okay, I promise this is my last little meme for the week… I’ve been a little uninspired lately, but thanks to Breda I have two new posts coming up. And they’re actually EMS related :)

I’m not tagging anyone, but let me know if you play!

1. Started your own blog. (A few actually…)
2. Slept under the stars. (Slept on a rock formation under the stars. I don’t recommend it.)
3. Played in a band. (Something tells me RockBand on Xbox doesn’t count.)
4. Visited Hawaii. (Someday…)
5. Watched a meteor shower. (Nine months pregnant, dead of winter, out in the middle of nowhere. It was incredible!)
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland. (I was one of the cranky kids in line)
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis. (In an effort to get me past my fear of creepy crawly things. It didn’t work)
10. Sang a solo.
11. Bungee jumped. (One more thing I’ve talked about but have never done)
12. Visited Paris. (On my to do list)
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. (It was amazing…)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. (Photography)
15. Adopted a child. (I absolutely would, however.)
16. Had food poisoning. (The only thing better than having it is when your entire family gets it. Eck. Burger King can kiss my ass)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. (I’ve stood at the bottom of it.)
18. Grown your own vegetables. (and flowers, and herbs…)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. (Also on my must do list)
20. Slept on an ~~overnight~~ train. (From Toledo to Denver… Jesus, Ireland, Breda? You’re killing me!)
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked. (No way in hell)
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. (Who me? Never. Okay, maybe once.)
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping. (Oh memories…. Lesson learned: Don’t go down the pool slide naked.)
27. Run a Marathon.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. (Both)
31. Hit a home run. (I played a mean game of baseball back in the day)
32. Been on a cruise. (Been on a cruise that skirted Hurricane Isidore. Fun stuff)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person. (again, awesome!)
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. (Ireland is the only place on earth I want to see more than Paris)
35. Seen an Amish community. (Was surrounded by them for almost a year)
36. Taught yourself a new language.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. (I’m not sure one really needs to have enough money in order to be truly satisfied…)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock (wall) climbing. (Pre-shoulder dislocation, I wasn’t very good at it.)
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David. (One Day…)
41. Sung karaoke. (I have a full bar set up complete with 15,000 songs. Maybe I need to go back to doing that…)
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. (Watch out for the Jellyfish!)
46. Been transported in an ambulance. (A few times…)
47. Had your portrait ~~painted~~ drawn. (Caricatures from Cedar Point count?)
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person. (Would LOVE to.)
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. (Once again… Someday.)
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling. (Nassau)
52. Kissed in the rain. (What Breda said. Rain, snow, sunshine… I’m a fan of kissing.)
53. Played in the mud. (I spent every other weekend for years on a farm. When i grew out of my mud pie phase I discovered that tearing through a muddy field on a four wheeler was even more fun.)
54. Gone to a drive-in theater. (A couple of times a summer. We have one about ten minutes from here)
55. Been in a movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class. (I’ve taken a few self defense classes, do they count?)
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies. (I was the top seller four years in a row. It was the only way we could afford to send me to camp when I was younger. We’d have hundreds of boxes of cookies in our living room.)
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Got flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp. (I haven’t, but I definitely want to.)
67. Bounced a check.
68. Flown in a helicopter. (Lifeflight, baby!!!)
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy. (My daughter still plays with my Cabbage Patch Kids)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten Caviar. (It doesn’t look terribly appetizing to me, but I never thought I’d like Oysters, and they were pretty good :))
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job. (But wait, I can explain!!!!)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London.
77. Broken a bone. (A few. Grace, thy name is Epi.)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. (Made me a little nervous.)
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited the Vatican. (Clearly I have a VERY long to do list.)
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible. (Good Catholic girl that I am)
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. (I’ve watched…)
88. Had chickenpox. (Twice)
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury. (Been called up four times, sat once. Bored to tears.)
91. Met someone famous. (A few… Tenacious D, Ted Nugent, a number of 80′s hair bands)
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby. (Two)
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake. (Same here, Breda.)
97. Been involved in a law suit.
98. Owned a cell phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Read an entire book in one day.

Posted by epijunky on December 4, 2008 • Filed under: Blogroll, Me Stuff • Tagged: Meme

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