Comments on: Mistaking Kindness For Weakness

By: Beaker

Beaker — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 15:15:21 +0000

I like your answer! I’m going to have to remember that as a good compromise in the future :)

By: Chapati

Chapati — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 10:07:14 +0000

Well done for handling it well Epi, and make sure you stick to it so she doesn’t just think you’re bluffing!

By: Epijunky

Epijunky — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 18:37:50 +0000

Thanks everyone for the wonderful comments, I’m not sure I deserve most of them, but I appreciate them all the same.

I picked the kids up this morning, and I’ll be taking them home after school. They were so appreciative when they got into the car that I couldn’t stay grumpy.

That being said, I’ve made it clear to her that I’m willing to do it for a few days, and that’s it. She has until the end of the week to make up with her Mother In Law or find a way to get them to school in the morning.

Beaker, if you ever figure out how to teach our kids that fine balance between those extremes you should probably write a book about it. You’ll be a millionaire!

Thanks everyone, once again, you rocked my little world :)

By: PA EMT

PA EMT — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 17:25:42 +0000

Epi,

Bless you for your kind heart. You have an amazing amount of compassion.
You also have an amzing amount of empathy. But empathy is not just compassion, its putting yourself into another persons shoes. What would you do in her situation? You already answered it with the above details about her needing to get over her fight with grandma.
She has options which are easier and cause less hardship for others and which places more responsibility where it should be, in her hands, not yours.
If you were in her situation, would you expect others to shoulder the burden for you, or would you own up and do what needs to be done.

PS: She is hiding behind and USING her kids by having THEM ask you instead of asking you herself. That is a red flag.

Take care,
always a fan,
PA EMT

By: Bernice

Bernice — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:47:57 +0000

I don’t envy you, that’s for sure but I do know exactly where you are coming from. You want to help the kids but to what cost to your own? You have a heart the size of Texas, woman and that is what makes you so amazing. This is a tough decision and my rambling here isn’t going to make it any easier. Just remember, whatever it is you decide, you did everything in your power to help but there is a point where you can’t do much more. Hang in there Epi.

By: Christy

Christy — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:45:45 +0000

epi,
you’ve already done more than most would have.

By: Nikki

Nikki — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 11:26:07 +0000

I have a hard time saying ‘no’, too, and an even harder time drawing the line between being kind and being taken advantage of, and there isn’t any doubt that this is exactly what I’d do in your place… but you’re right – it’s gone more than just a little too far.

You might try contacting the counseling office at school. J’s mother is obviously not a responsible parent; if you tell them what you know, and explain your concern that J and his sister may not make it to school without yours or someone else’s intervention, they can help.

By: Greybeard

Greybeard — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 07:48:04 +0000

Yeah, I agree with hilinda… there’s no right answer here, but at some point “tough love” is gonna have to be your response. I’d set a deadline with Mom and make sure the kids hear you do it so they know you’re in their corner but their Mom has to do her part. Then you’ve got to follow through, even though it’ll hurt.
The kids are learning by watching behavior too. What a hard lesson!
Good on ya gal.

By: hilinda

hilinda — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 04:58:54 +0000

This is a tough one, Epi.
It reminds me of a “friend” I used to have. For the several years that I knew her, she was evicted several times, had a variety of boyfriend problems, utilities shut off repeatedly, and kept moving around and getting people to help her out by allowing her to use their name for whatever… getting a phone, registering a car, etc.
She had three kids when I met her, two more in the next few years.
I always felt for the kids.
Some of what was going on was her fault, and some of it not- but none of it was the fault of the kids. So for years, I did what I could for them – rides, food, Christmas and Easter gifts, etc. I loved those kids. Still think about them a lot.

She stopped speaking to me a few years ago, when I refused to lie to the state for her. The details are unimportant. She was furious that I “wouldn’t help” her and her kids.

My point is this: eventually, you will have to say no. Might not be right now, but it will happen. You can’t save these kids, not forever. And it sucks.

My kids understand it now that they are older. They were confused when it happened, that suddenly we didn’t have anything to do with this family. Some of it I could explain, but some of it was beyond what they could understand, I think.

I think in the long run, you have to look at your responsibility to your kids first, and also to being a strong, honest person. Reliable- but not an easy mark.

The truth is there are people who live their lives taking advantage of others. It’s what they do, without giving it a second thought.

These kids are going to have a tough time of it, no matter what you do. I know it feels like maybe you can make a difference, and you’ve got a good heart. So maybe you do need to do whatever you can for now.. but keep in mind that sometimes, the kindest thing may not be as obvious as always saying yes.

By: 40lizard

40lizard — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 03:49:37 +0000

Epi, you sweet hearted girl you!, you have the same problem that I do- and I don’t think I could tell her no considering you’re probably the only thing that’s keeping these kids on the straight and narrow right now! What to do what to do! Surely there’s got to be some happy medium? Does the school have any transportation routes etc? or have they moved off the beaten path from that issue?