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Thankful.

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Just… thankful.

For the opportunity to hang out with my family today.  For the first time in I don’t know how long “The Cousins” were together in one place at the same time.  It seems like one of us is typically absent for one reason or another during the holidays.  We’ve always been so tight.

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That’s my Cousin J, Baby Brother, Myself, and Cousin T.

We had a great time.  Good food, lots of laughing, and just enjoying being around each other.  And just when things couldn’t get any cooler, My Baby Brother and his Beloved made an announcement.

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Guess who’s gonna be an Aunt????

*This* girl is :)

Hope your Thanksgiving was just as special!

More on The Proposal….

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So there’s actually some interest in this. Schweeeet :)

So tell me, who out there is really, truly, honestly willing to drive?  Because I have a feeling that we’re all going to have to jump in the car at least for a little bit.

When?

Where?

And how much bail money would we need?

Hold My Hand (Just Another Transfer)…

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“Unit 4, come in.”

My partner picks up the radio, accepts the run and puts us enroute.

Just another transfer.

We arrive at the hospital, stop and BS with another crew in the ambulance bay, and begin our trek through the hospital to the elevators.  We head up to the floor.  The patient’s nurse is no where to be found.  We’re provided with paperwork on the patient and head towards his room, promised by the unit clerk that the nurse will be there in a few.

Just another transfer.

The room is quiet, save for an episode of Judge Judy playing on the LCD TV hanging on the wall facing the patient’s bed.  There are no balloons, no flowers, no family members.  Just our patient.  100 pounds, soaking wet.  Sitting on the bed, sucking down oxygen through a nasal cannula with bags under his eyes.  Shaking like a leaf.

Just another transfer.

He’s terrified.  Having a word like “Hospice” sprung on you when you still have fight left in you… Well, can you imagine?  Now imagine going through that alone.  While my partner is looking for the nurse I have a few minutes to sit with him and just talk.  He has questions.  He needs reassurance.

“My name’s Epi, I’m going to be driving while my partner is in back with you.”

“Hi Epi, I’m Fred.  I’m sorry I… I just feel a little lost right now….”  He wipes his eyes with a tissue from the box sitting next to him.

I smile as I reach for his hand and squeeze it.  “We all feel a little lost now and then.  We’re going to take great care of you.”

Just another transfer.

I’m working with Tall Dark and Irish, thank God.  And he’s got an amazing way with people.  He instantly puts him at ease.  Between the two of us within a minute or two we have him significantly less shaky.

“Hospice is an wonderful facility.”

“They’ll treat you like royalty!”

“Your biggest problem might be dealing with the nurses constantly fluffing your pillow.”

By the time we were to the truck he was actually smiling.

Just another transfer.

The ride to the inpatient hospice facility was relatively short, just ten minutes or so.  It was also unbelievably bumpy.  I did my best to stay out of the ruts in the road, but I can only imagine what it felt like to someone who’s body was riddled with cancer.  I apologized with every bump I hit.  I warned them ahead of time when we were approaching tracks or particularly rough road.  I did what I could to make the ride comfortable.  I still felt bad that it was uncomfortable for him.  When I opened the back doors to the truck once we arrived I apologized yet again.

When we left him with the angels at Hospice, he reached for my hand and squeezed it.

“Thank you, young lady.”  He pulled me toward him and kissed me on the cheek.   He shook hands with Tall Dark and Irish as well.

“You’re very welcome, Fred.  It was a pleasure meeting you.”

Just another transfer.

**********

Just another transfer?  Really?

Not by a long shot.

Sometimes you don’t need electricity.  Sometimes you don’t need drugs or IV’s or splints of any type.  Sometimes all that’s needed is a little hand holding.

The Blog's back ;)

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After what I thought was a complete catastrophe meltdown and loss of the entire blog, I’m happy to report that we’re back up and running :)

A Proposal…

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Not that kind of proposal.

I’m talking about a blog meet.  A meet up.  A get together for bloggers/twitterer’s/whoever in the midwest.

Because dammit I’m sick and tired of missing out on meeting the cool kids!

Who’s game?  The first round will be on me if one out of three of my readers actually shows up :)

Soo…

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Anyone else feeling a little old?

Anyone else have a back that feels like it’s 33 going on 105?

Anyone else sick and tired of feeling sick and effing tired?

Anyone else so wound up from school, and work, and life in general that they want to just throw something?  Or go out for some recoil therapy?  Or tell off a coworker?

It’s been one of those days.

The good news?

Yes, there is actually good news.

I have a new job with a new service.  *Does the happy dance*

Indulge Me :)

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Today I stepped on a scale.

I try not to do that too often… The scale and I are *not* friends. Haven’t been in quite a while. It’s been a battle for me that started in grade school complete with kids making fun of me, and culminated in me being reduced to having my insides rearranged so that I couldn’t cram so much in to it.

I’m not proud of that.

Kind of humiliating, actually.

Anyway, I digress.

While at an ECF today, I dared to step on my arch nemesis, the scale.

I had to squint to read the numbers, I’m getting old, yanno. But holy hell. The number on the scale actually matched the weight that’s been on my drivers license for the last 17 years.

It’s been 17 effing YEARS since I’ve weighed what I weigh TODAY.

I’m swimming in EVERYTHING I own.  The new jeans I bought a month ago are falling down around my ass.  Kinda makes it difficult to wear them.

My work BDU’s?  Forgettaboutit.

So indulge me while I do the happy dance.  For the first time in years I don’t feel  fat.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror and didn’t see a heavy girl.  I was like, “How YOU doin, Epi?”

And that’s a monumentous thing for me.  That’s something to dance about.

It's Gonna Be Okay.

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This week…

I was reminded how hard Medic school is. Yet again.

Everyone suffers.  The kids, the spouse, the paycheck, your sleep, your social life, sometimes, your sanity.

There are just not enough hours in the day to keep everyone happy. It’s not going to happen.  Trying to make it happen is just going to result in you ending up totally fried.

You see things you haven’t been exposed to in the past.  Some of them shake you to your core.  Some of them fascinate you.  There are victories and defeats.  Wins and losses.  Skills you attempt and succeed, and skills you attempt and are unsuccessful at.  As time goes on it might seem like your life has been reduced to a list of tallies.

Holidays you spend with the kids, holidays you miss.
Tubes and IV’s you get, tubes and IV’s you miss.
Tests you pass and tests that… Well, you didn’t do so well on them, but you’ll do better next time.
Labs that you rock, labs that you fail twice.

If you find yourself where I am, know that we’re all there at one point or another.  Know that it’s not going to last forever.  Know that you’ll get through it if you want it enough.

Just do what you can, when you can. Make the moments you do have when you’re not studying, working, at class or in clinicals count.

It’s all worth it in the end.  You know it now, but your people might not.

Cut them a little slack.  And at the same time, go easy on yourself.

We can do it.

We can. And we WILL.

Be The Change You Want To See.

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Before you open your mouth to complain about the way you are treated…

Before you whine about the low pay…

Before you bitch about working long hours…

Before you dare  open your mouth to speak….

Do this.

Make sure you are doing your job and doing it very well.

Tuck the shirt in, tie the boot laces and put a damn smile on your face.  Even if you’re exhausted, your spouse is bitching at you through text messages, your back hurts and dispatch is riding your backside.  These are people we’re dealing with, not just “another dialysis run” or “BS 911 call”.

And quit bitching about the company you work for to anyone who will listen.  It’s not going to help things.  Trust me.  I’m guilty of it, I’ve done it, I know how easy it is.  We can bitch and whine to each other, but we need to keep our business in our stations.

And while you’re at it… Get out there and learn something.  Keep up on your skills.  Take some CEU’s and attend a conference or two.  Don’t become so comfortable with the level that you’re at… You should always want to know more.  You should always want to be better.

Just be better.

Be the change you want to see.

I'm A Happy Girl.

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Ridiculously happy.

I’m in a good place, ya’ll.

Haven’t killed anyone, haven’t watched anyone die, and if anyone needs to be bagged while I’m working on a certain truck at work, I’ll have nine different BVM’s to pick from. (Don’t ask me why we have nine BVM’s on the truck, I asked the owner today, he had no idea either.)

School is going well.  I’m feeling challenged.  And I LOVE a good challenge.  Eight months to go in school means an eight-month-long challenge.  All the better!  Bring it on, I’m game!

Work is work.  Hell, they don’t even provide us with toilet paper.  That being said, I had an interview today with a new service in the city and I really feel good about it.  I should know by Wednesday.  I’ll let you know when I do.  Send good vibes my way, I need them.

My head and heart are in a better place.  And that’s a huge load off my shoulders. I finally can feel the tension in my shoulders relax.  I’m sleeping better, I’m eating better, and in general, I just feel good.

How are ya’ll?

Injustice.

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Eleven years ago I met a boy.

And he made me smile and laugh.  He bought me flowers and held open doors.  We would sing, and shake our asses, and have silly string fights in the living room.  We had so much fun.  And gawd was he hot.  I endured three hours in a 15 year old truck with virtually no brakes just to see him.  He drove hours to see me even though he didn’t know if I was was working or not. (This was back when most folks didn’t have cell phones, Ya’ll.)  I did whatever I could to see him.  He made me laugh.  And he made me smile.  And after a few months I realized, as he did, that we loved each other.  God, help us both, we were in love.

We loved each other.  We didn’t want anyone  else.  We just wanted each other.

Whatever this girl wanted to do, he did.  For my part, I sold the camera that my Father bought for me to pay for the insurance on a car that was barely street legal.  I wanted to move to where he was, just to be near him.

We were in love.

How would you feel if you weren’t allowed to be married to the one you love?  That person who makes you feel alive?  The one who you want to tell all of your secrets to?  The one who you want to run home to at the end of a really shitty day? The one who you can’t imagine life without?  The one who makes the butterflies show up at just the thought of them.  You know that feeling, right?

Well let’s just say that you can’t marry them.  The Parents don’t approve.

Sorry.

“But we’re responsible adults… We have good jobs, we pay our bills… Hell, we even vote…”

Too bad, so sad.

“Okay, can you explain why?”

No, it’s just not right.

“Okay, I understand that you’re against this, could you give me a legitimate reason why?”

No.  Now go brush your teeth, go to bed, and forget about this nonsense.

All of those emotions, those legitimate feelings, kicked under the rug, basically, dismissed.  All because someone out there, your Mother, your Father, or someone as insignificant as someone you don’t even know says that “It’s wrong.

That’s their only response.

“It’s wrong.”

Tell me how messed up that would be?  How hurt would you be?  You aren’t allowed the basic rights that everyone else has.

Who are THEY to judge what is right and what is wrong?

They don’t even know me.  They don’t know what we have.

***********

This past week in the state of Maine a great injustice was dealt to one of my closest friends and many others, and it’s pissing me the hell off.

I’m talking about Gay marriage rights.

Who are WE to decide?  Honestly.

Think about this.

How many relationships do you know of (gay, straight, or other) that have ended because of one reason or another?

Countless, right?

Infidelity.  Dishonesty.  Jealousy.  Money issues.  Trust issues.  Total incompatibility.  “We rushed into it.”  You name it, the excuses and reasons are out there.  And every single person who has an excuse believes that it’s legitimate.

And to those people, it IS legitimate.

Let’s face it folks, we’re all human.  We all have real feelings and emotions and we’re driven by the same things.

Gay or straight.

We’re all people.  We’re all human.

To tell anyone that they can’t marry someone because it’s just not right?

What the HELL.  This is not right, and it needs to end.  It needs to end now.

Love is love.

Don’t you dare tell me, or any of my people, who we are allowed to love and who we aren’t.

Love is love.


What gets me through…

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My kiddos, plain and simple.

(Now pardon me if I whip out the digital picture album of Halloween’s past.)

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2009

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2008

2007

2007

2006-a 2006-n

2006

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2005

2004

2004

(That’s FC in the middle as Spiderman)

2003

2003

2002

2002

(He was Pooh this year, just couldn’t find a picture:)

2001

2001

2000

2000.

The year of the Bumblebee.  (He HATES this picture.  I plan on showing it to his future GF’s)

My point is this.  This line of work isn’t easy.  It’s even harder for those who are a bit tenderhearted.

Not that I am. I’m hardcore ya know.

Okay, so maybe it took someone to tell me to wake the hell up and realize what I *DO* have.  I have two amazing, intelligent, loving, healthy children.  I have a job.  (Yes, it’s a job that I bitch about, but it is a job, and it’s a job that I, at my core, truly love!  How many can say that???) I’m surrounded by the most amazing friends and family that a girl could ask for.  I kinda/sorta have my health.  (At least the fever is gone!)

I’m not doing too bad.

So many more have it so much worse.

So here it comes, from me to you.  If you’re out there, and things seem bleak…  For whatever reason…  Inhale, exhale, and take a look around.  Look at your people.  Take a look at your friends and family.

And even if it’s cliche’d…

Know that this too shall pass.

It will.

Nerves.

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The call comes in.

Our truck lurches forward, the lights bouncing and the siren echoing off of the houses we fly past.

“Priority one,” Dispatch says flatly.  “MVA, pedestrian struck.”

The driver steps on the gas pedal, diesel surges through the truck.  I’m just the student in back.  Adrenaline surges through me.

What will we need?

Did we pick up that backboard after we dropped the last patient off?

Where’s the tape?  I know I picked it up, where did I put it?

Collars.  Towel rolls.  Suction supplies.

Where the hell is that backboard tape?

IV supplies.  I’m probably going to need those.

I can feel the truck slowing down.  We’re nearing the scene.  I look through the front window in an attempt to grasp what we’re rolling up on.  I can see a younger female bagging what looks like a child on the street.

Fuck.

Not a kid.  Not again.  Not twice in one week.

I toss the airway bag onto the stretcher along with the rest of what I thought we might need.

He’s laying in the street in a pool of blood.  Laying there, with his blond mohawk and dirty fingernails and Batman tshirt.  With his long eyelashes and chubby cheeks.

My heart breaks.

His lips were already swollen.  Blood was running freely from a large lac on his head that extended down the side of his face.

A crowd is forming.  People are crying.

My hand are shaking.  The boy reminds me of my Son.

I have what we need at my side.  I just pray that this time I’m not called on.

“Epi…”

“EPI.”

“EPI!!!  You have this.”  He hands me the tube and laryngoscope.

I instantly felt my stomach turn.

Focus, girl, focus.

It hits me.  His belly is huge and the BVM is making an awful squaking noise.

“Jeff, take the bag from her.”  He does.

I check my equipment.  Everything is as it should be.

“Stop bagging.”

I hold my breath and open his airway.

Fuck.

That is a lot of blood.

“Suction!” I yell, louder than I mean to.

Sean, a classmate and the partner of my preceptor, does his best to clean out his airway so that I can see something.  Anything.

I take another look.  I see chords, but they’re quickly submerged.

I start cussing.

“Suction him again.”

Fuck.

The patient’s Mother just pulled up.  She’s being restrained by a friend or family member and a police officer.

She’s screaming.

Oh Jesus, please let me get this tube.  Please.

I go in one more time.  I see white chords and I stick the tube in, inflate it, and have Sean listen over the boy’s stomach and chest.

“It’s good, Epi.  Good tube”

Jeff keeps bagging.

I finally exhale. For the first time in four minutes, I’m able to breathe.

Oh thank God.

“Let’s get the hell out of here, please?”

We load and go.

ETA: 6 minutes.  Level 1 trauma center.

“Epi?”

“Yeah Jeff?”

“You rocked that, girl.”

Thanks, Doc.

**********

“We did everything we could.”

“His injuries were…”

“We’re so sorry.”

“I’m sorry.”

I doubt that his Mom and Sister heard anything that was said by anyone.  Not the ER nurses, not the Docs, and certainly not us.

Know this, Mom.

I’m sorry.

I did everything that I could.

We all did.

And I wont forget him.

EMS Expo Live!

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I’ve mentioned a few times how important I believe it is to constantly want to learn more. To want to be better at your profession.

As an EMT, I take just about any opportunity presented to me to learn more.  I’m currently in Paramedic school.  I love to read other EMS blogs.  I attend more CEU’s than what are required.  I subscribe to JEMS, and I read the major EMS related websites like EMS1.com, EMT City, and EMS House of Defrance.

And I go to conferences.  Gawd, I love the conferences.

So, what is an EMS conference?  For those of you who haven’t been to one, it’s an opportunity to gain CEU’s by attending lectures by EMS professionals.  It’s a chance to meet other EMS folks from around the corner or across the country.  It’s the perfect time to check out the new and exciting equipment being developed by everyone from fellow paramedics to the big guys like Physio Control and Zoll (and to score some sweet swag!).

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The Exhibition Hall at EMS Today 2009 in Baltimore.

This past week there was a pretty huge EMS conference in Atlanta that unfortunately, I wasn’t able to attend.  Luckily, there’s a website that allowed me to be there, virtually.  I highly recommend a visit.  I’m hoping that the same crew will be able to repeat this experience at a number of the national conferences!  Check out the site, complete with some great videos at EMS Expo Live.

I’m a huge fan of the X-Collar btw.  Let me know what ya think :)

Halloween 2009…

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Alternately titled:  Don’t mess with my Boy.

I feel like I failed my kid, and it’s driving me nuts.  Not a huge fail, but any fail as a Parent feels significant.

Let’s start at the beginning.  Future Cardiologist has been struggling lately with picking a costume for Halloween.  In the grand scheme of things this isn’t something that’s earth shaking, but to a tender-hearted little boy who is sensitive to the point where he cries himself to sleep some nights because someone said something to him that was unkind (he IS my boy, after all), it was significant.

I guess this is where I feel like I failed.  I’ve been so consumed with school, and financial issues, and feeling like walking death, and work that I’ve not been as on top of things as I normally am where my kids are concerned.

So when I realized that today, October 31st, was Halloween.  And that FC didn’t have a costume.  I knew how things were going to end.  And it wasn’t well.

(For those of you who haven’t found yourself looking for a costume ON Halloween, let me share this with you.  If it’s a kid you’re shopping for, you’re probably screwed.)

FC didn’t like any of the options available to him.  He finally settled (after four stops at various stores) on what to him looked like what it was.  A racecar driver costume.  (He’s never heard of Nascar, it’s not something we follow in the house.)

A Jeff Gordon costume.

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He looks pretty damn happy even though he wasn’t dressed as a Fireman.  Right? And for the record, had he told me he wanted to be a Firefighter for Halloween, I don’t know, YESTERDAY, I could have helped him.  My boy would have been the most dashing and accurately dressed Firefighter in the city.  Today he was going to have to settle for Jeff Gordon.

So with moderately heavy hearts, dreaming of turnout gear, (and with empty candy bags), we set out to trick or treat.

DSC_2935 copyThat would be the kiddos.

It was going so well.  The kids were remembering to say “Thank You” after receiving their treats.  They were well behaved.  They weren’t even torturing each other.  And that’s something they do almost every second of every day.  The wagon we dragged behind us (in case of a SWR meltdown) was empty.  Candy bags were filling up.

All was well.

And then some jackass decided it would be funny to pick on my kid because he dared to wear a Jeff Gordon costume.

And then another JACKASS (capitalized this time because he was drinking a beer at the time.  With more than a few emptys nearby) two houses down decided to tell him that his uniform “sucked” and that “Junior RULES.”)

FC was confused.  He doesn’t know Jeff Gordon from Dale Jr. from Strawberry effing Shortcake.  What he did know was that two adults had picked on him for what he was wearing.  The kid thought he was a race car driver. 

And that’s cool to a kid.

I found the Momma Bear in me emerging, and pretty quickly.  FC’s eagerness to score as much candy as he could was suddenly replaced with the urge to get home.  His four-year-old sister outlasted him.  I found myself wanting to go back to a few houses and bash some heads.

You can mess with me.  You DON’T mess with my kids.

And I did have that talk with him about how “what other people say doesn’t matter…” And how Jeff Gordon is a very rich race car driver who gets a TON of candy.

We need to work on some things.  I get that.

**********

So maybe I’m a little overprotective.

Maybe you think FC and I need to both harden up a bit.

I know I do.

That being said… A nine-year-old shouldn’t have to harden up. He’s NINE, for crying out loud.  He shouldn’t have to be concerned with anything other than whether or not his Pokemon card will beat a classmates Pokemon card.  We’re working on his self confidence issues.  He’s not the precious little snowflake that I once believed him to be, but he is my kid.  He’s my boy.  And when you mess with my kid, you mess with me.

Who knew that Nascar folks could be so fricking brutal.

And for the two guys who tore my boy’s heart up because they were… Well, assholes…  And he happened to be wearing the wrong costume on Halloween, you better fricking hope that I don’t run across you again.