25 days.
1500 hours.
90,000 minutes.
5,400,000 minutes.
More IV’s, squad hours, BVM’s, ALS team leads, ER hours, tubes and just about everything else than I can wrap my head around.
That being said… I’m game.
I got this.
25 days to go.
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Today… Was one of the hardest days of my life. I’ve never felt like a bigger failure as a parent.
But knowing that my little Princess will get the help she needs… It more than makes up for it.
SWR, you can do this.
The biggest influences in your life are sitting next to you.
Sometimes, literally. Sometimes figuratively.
As my second attempt at Medic school comes to a close, I’ve up until VERY recently found myself excited beyond believe, but at the same time, absolutely terrified.
A few months ago I put a facebook update up that looked a little like this:
That was almost two months ago. Eight weeks later, and just 4 weeks (seven more classes… Oh my GOD, just SEVEN CLASSES?????) from finishing I was finding myself infinitely more nervous. I thought this was supposed to get easier.
I’ve been here before. Maybe that was the problem. I had been *this close*.
***********
A little over four years ago I enrolled in a Paramedic program. It’s hard to believe that I was even greener and sparkier then, but I was. I loved every second of it. Every test that was put in front of me I knocked out of the park. I went into every clinical opportunity bright eyed and excited and PRAYING that something cool would happen. By cool, I mean horrifying to the average person, unfortunately. I couldn’t wait to get to the ER for my time there. When my third rides/internship started, I almost lost my mind I was so geeked. It was on those third rides that something… Uhm… cool happened. And again, by cool, I mean… Horrifying. Not once, but twice.
Not one, but two Pedi codes. One SIDS, one due to a house fire.
Well, there ya go, Epi. You got what you wished for. Nothing supplies a bigger sympathetic dump/pucker factor for a student than a code. Unfortunately there’s no chapter in a textbook that explains how you deal with two pediatric codes that occur three squad rides apart when you’re used to being on a transfer truck and taking Grandma to dialysis. I was quickly drowning in a sea of self-doubt.
I’m not tough enough for this job.
I’m too emotional.
I’m a black cloud.
I can’t do this.
I CAN’T do this.
THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I’M GETTING BACK ON THAT TRUCK!!!!
I was a part of two separate CISD’s (don’t EVER ask me my opinion on a CISD) and several conversations with the people who I respected the most. In the end it was a mix of people I had never met in person and classmates I wasn’t even particularly close to who pulled me through. I can’t explain how or why their words were able to convince me not only to stay in EMS, but to stay in the medic program… I’m just grateful that I had them. Still, I didn’t truly believe that I’d make it out of the class. I can’t explain why, because honestly, I don’t know what was in my head back then.
Two weeks before the end of the program I blew out my back on a clinical. I missed two classes and just like that, I found myself washed out of the program. I was simultaneously crushed and relieved. Crushed because I had spent eleven months missing my kids, holidays, birthdays, etc, and I would have nothing to show for it. Relieved, because as a basic EMT working at a private service in NW Ohio, I wouldn’t have to deal with seeing another baby die in front of me. There is nothing worse than that in my mind. Nothing. To this day I still have nightmares.
I guess I just wasn’t ready then.
Three years later I got my second chance. I was back in P school (thank you!), and I was going to get through it this time come hell or high water. I studied my ass off, I picked the brains of the people around me when I couldn’t figure something out, and mentally got myself ready for the clinical time. I knew I was still green, I knew that the ghosts from my first time through school would still be with me. I knew it was going to be a challenge. And it has been. It’s very hard to admit, but there is very little about me that is calm while on the scene with a person who is truly sick, who really needs my help. My hands shake and I sweat like it’s my job. Think about it, as a patient whose world is crashing down on them, would you put your life in the hands of a tall redhead with shaky hands who looks like she might throw up on herself any second?
I wouldn’t.
There is one huge difference between the girl I was back then and the girl I am now. I now know that this is what I was meant to do. I truly believe it. I believe that the education I’ve received through both programs is the perfect starting point for me. I might not be calm, I might not be the picture of professionalism and grace while I’m trying to start an IV on someone in the back of a squad rumbling down a bumpy road while sweating my ass off… My own little sympathetic dump might still make my heart race and my hands shake, but it doesn’t render me incapable of functioning. And thanks to my people… The biggest influences in my life, I KNOW I’m where I belong. The nervousness is actually *gasp* NORMAL!
I want to thank a few people who have gone above and beyond the call of duty to help me on this journey.
My Instructor, who is pretty much the most patient and simultaneously bad ass Medic/Instructor I know. I’m fairly certain that if I ever have another baby, I’ll name that child after my instructor regardless of it’s sex. I’ve been a gigantic pain in the backside to this man, and he’s stood by me and encouraged me from day one.
Medic Matthew, the best friend I’ve never met, who seems to be the first person I run to when I have one of those “You’re NEVER going to believe this” moments.
Ambulance Driver, who has been one of my biggest influences. My go-to guy for ANY question I have. The one who won’t hesitate to put a very large bootprint on my backside when I start to complain. Because I have absolutely no business complaining as far as school goes. Knowing that he believes I can do this has gotten me further than he could imagine.
CKEMTP and a good friend who I’ll call TFD, both who through a few conversations told me in no uncertain terms that what I was feeling was okay. For a shaky green nervous girl like me, that elevates them to sainthood. Realizing that I’m SUPPOSED to be nervous… Holy COW, what a load off of my shoulders. Particularly when it seems like every other person in my class is cool as a cucumber during clinical time.
Lisa, who I have clung to like a sister. I talked her into believing that she could get through basic school, and we talked each other into KNOWING that we could both make it through P school. Again, someone I’ve never met, who knows me better than most of my closest friends know me.
Happy Medic and Medic 999. Who have no idea how much they’ve inspired me to do more and to be better. To do more than just talk about what’s broken in my area as far as EMS goes, but that the improvements could actually start with me. If they could accomplish what they have with their resources, certainly I could do my part to do the same. It starts with being able to do more for my patients on the truck. It starts furthering my education.
I am going to rock this.
But I’m probably going to do a fair amount of sweating for quite awhile. Either way….
Hallelujah for the second chance.
I can’t sleep. Indulge me.
IF you find yourself in Medic or Nursing school… And IF you find yourself serving time enjoying clinicals on the labor and delivery floor of your favorite hospital….
Remember the importance of those those three letters. B…S…I…
I had amniotic fluid not just wash over me… Not splash on me, but in fact SPRAY on me today.
In my hair, on my face, and pretty much showering me from forehead to hips.
Blech.
I mean, I love the itty bitty ones, but I will never walk over to an RN who asks me if I want to see something “really cool” without proper protection again.
No pun intended. Or pun intended, at this point I’m not even sure. My apologies, for the 4th time in four weeks I’ve found myself hiding in the basement because of a tornado watch/warning.
That being said… HOLY CRAP! I was tagged in a meme by the Happy Medic himself.
Get it? Holy cra– Oh, nevermind.
So I’m supposed to share what I’m reading while spending time in the Ladies room. While I can’t possibly imagine why ANYONE would want to know this… What the heck. I’m game.
So here’s my list (in no particular order other than the first):
First and foremost, I’m a medic student *THIS CLOSE* to the end of my program. If I don’t have Volume 1 or 2 of the big red book (BRB) in my hands, it’s because something’s wrong.
And yes, I read it in the bathroom. I read it in the tub. I read it while I’m on clinicals, and I read it when I’m lucky enough to be catching a soap opera.
And yes, I watch soap operas. CBS, btw. Ridge is a tool. Carly is my hero. Victor can kick anyone’s ass.
The Big Red Book(s).
If for some reason I don’t have the BRB available, or I’m too exhausted to even consider opening the thing because I’ve been studying about upper GI bleeds and the joys of dig toxicity and the fun arrhythmia’s they produce, I’m probably looking for some mindless entertainment. What’s more mindless than Jessica Alba Cosmo Magazine? I mean where else can you check out an article about your man being possibly being gay and then instantly skip to an article about His #1 Sex Fantasy?
Cosmo. I’m a chick. I read it.
While I am a chick, I’m a chick who has a ridiculously geeky side to her. It seems to rear it’s ugly head any time I have an opportunity to learn more about my chosen profession. JEMS Magazine, how I love you. Let me count the ways. (And that ResQPod rocks my socks!)
What Keeper-of-the-Cheerios doesn’t need to know what the Best Toys of the Year(!) are? Okay, so that was a little over the top, but I have subscribed to Parenting magazine for the last 9 years or so. When FC fell into the entertainment center and gave himself a black eye at the age of nine months, Parenting magazine told me that it was ok. When SWR developed colic and her Dad and I were driven to the point of actually hiding from her, LITERALLY HIDING, Parenting magazine gave me ways of coping with the shrieks and screams and ways to calm her.
Yep. I am the Keeper-Of-The-Cheerios.
Last but not least (and I’m hanging my head in shame here for some reason), Twilight.
Yes, I’m one of those girls. I’m in love with a book series. My name is Epijunky, and I’m addicted to the Twilight books.
I’m in love with the idea of a hot vampire who would say something like, “Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving”.
Okay that was a private joke that no one will get. That being said, I’m in love with the idea of true love.
And hot vampires.
Okay, so I’m enamored with some actor, but still.
So, in playing along with the meme rules, I’m going to tag five others. Let’s see if they play. No pressure…I mean *I* did it, why wouldn’t you?
My girl Bernice. Because if I feel like I need to do it, I shouldn’t be the only girl playing. And because Bernice rocks my socks.
Ambulance Driver. Because honestly, who HASN’T wondered what this man is reading while in the little boys room? Okay, that was possibly a rhetorical question.
Mr. CKEMTP. Because us redheads have to stick together.
Medic Matthew, the best friend I’ve never met.
Jay G from MArooned. Who I’m fairly certain hasn’t read my blog in months.
I’m curious, sue me.
If you’re brave enough, play along. :)
To the only man who has ever been a true Father to me.
To the man who gave me advice about guys and was the first one to put an arm around my shoulder when things didn’t go as I had hoped. To the man who protected me from my Mom when I pulled her car up against a concrete post and did 2k worth of damage. To the man who makes the best apple pancakes you’ve ever had, and can grill like it’s his job. To the man who took me to see Terminator 2 and didn’t make fun of me when I cried at the end. (Hey, cut a girl some slack. It was SAD, dammit!) To the man who wouldn’t put up with my teenage angst and wouldn’t let me get away with anything. To the man who has supported me, no matter what crazy idea I’ve come up with (like say, becoming a medic).
The man who loves my children like they are his own biological grandchildren. My kids worship the ground he walks on, and nine times out of ten prefer to talk to over even my Mom. To the man who spoils them on a level I can’t even comprehend, and at the same time will reign them in the very second they show a sign of being disrespectful or unappreciative.
To the man who loves my Mom like she’s the only woman he’s ever laid eyes on. The one who makes her feel like a queen, every day. Even after 19 years. The one who has not just put up with, but has loved her kids. And her kids kids. The one who made her the happiest woman on the planet, one year ago today.
Happy Father’s Day, Brian. We love you. Thank you for loving us like we were your own.
(Note: I’d like to apologize for how disjointed this post is… I’ve been trying to write it for at least a week, and the more I wrote, the more I tried to polish it, well, it lost something. It was a very emotional night for me, and in the end just getting my words out was more important than keeping the paragraphs flowing. — Epijunky)
I’ve written before about EMS and how close us folks can be. How we’ll go to war for each other if need be. How if you mess with one of us, chances are you won’t like the end result. If there’s one thing I can say without a degree of doubt it’s that we are a tight group. I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.
You might have heard about some nasty weather that steam-rolled it’s way through my neck of the woods a little more than a week ago.
An F-4 tornado.
I had just gotten home from some clinical time in the ER when I switched the tv on and realized that every channel was showing the weather. It was going to get nasty, they said. Hail, heavy rain, high winds, they said.
What did I do?
Honestly? I cracked open a beer. It was a warm night, and it had been a long day. Hey, I had just started an IV in a thumb and had seen the most grotesque traumatic injury that my sparky green backside could conceive. I was feeling pretty happy to be home. It was already after 9pm, and the plan for the night was an early bedtime.
Half an hour or so later I heard the sirens go off. As the kids started to panic, I switched on the TV. Tornado Watch. It’s not a huge deal up here, as we find ourselves under a watch at least twice a summer. I had FC come downstairs and play in his sister’s room, which didn’t make him a very happy ten-year-old. I left the tv on, but muted and went back to playing some mindless game online.
The siren in my area is just about a block from my house, so when it does go off, there is no missing it. It vibrates the entire house. When that shrill whine started up again, SWR did what any five-year-old girl with a fear of bad weather does, she panicked. FC, for his part, paced, a worry wrinkle crossing his forehead. Every hair on my body stood on end. Hearing a siren twice within half an hour was not a good thing. I turned my attention back to the news, where we informed that were now under a tornado warning. I managed to get the kids settled down and returned to watching the breaking coverage of this “weather event” as the meteorologist referred to it.
The projected path of the storm was south of me, but not by very much. Where it was hitting right now, according to the local news affiliates, would be the rural area where my instructor lives. It would then move directly upon an area where a lot of folks I care about work. Too close for comfort to where a co-worker and classmate live (Rockstar Partner, actually). Very close to where a good friend of mine was out celebrating at a Bachelor Party. My Dad’s house was directly in the path. My Dad. My people. So many I cared about were directly in it’s path.
I quickly went from being calm and collected to… well… Not so very calm. Every time I spoke to my little ones, my voice was at least an octave higher than it should have been. I was afraid, but not for the reasons that I used to be. I had always been a little skiddish as a kid when the sirens would go off. Now, I knew I was safe. My kids were safe. I wasn’t worried for us. The more I watched the television, the more nervous I became.
Before I knew it all hell was breaking loose. We had confirmation of a touch down in the township. The highschool was destroyed. The police station was destroyed. The EMS station where so many of my friends work or had worked in the past was destroyed. I started sending frantic text messages. I made phone calls that went unanswered. I cried, and I prayed, and I prayed some more. There were family members that were in danger. There were coworkers, classmates and very good friends in danger. And if on cue, I was cut off. My cell phone went from four bars to zero. No coverage. I was cut off.
I couldn’t help but imagine the worst possible scenario. With no way to communicate by phone, I attempted to go to bed with the kids. I was not rewarded with sleep.
Lake High School (Ohio State Highway Patrol)
At the second that I was freaking out the most… the ones I was so worried about? They were springing into action. In the pitch black dark of night, backboards were replaced with doors and plywood. Flashlights were searching for victims. Folks were pulling people from the rubble. Ditches and culverts were being checked. The ones that weren’t in the immediate area were moving in resources to an area that basically had all of their emergency services knocked out. The outpouring of help from so many of the neighboring communities, just amazing. We truly are a family. When one of our own needs help… We do everything we can. I know people who have given up just about ever waking second of their free time helping out in that area. They’re still doing it a week and a half later, with no plans to stop until there is no longer a need.
Main Street – Millbury, Ohio
I am honored to know them. I’m humbled that I’m able to call them my friends, and I’m so proud of the work that they did under such horrible conditions.
There are some pretty cool changes that are being made to the blog over the next few days.
I’m a bit geeked. :)
With that being said, there may be times where the blog is down while these changes are being made. I wouldn’t want anyone thinking I succumbed to oh-my-goodness-I’m-actually-going-to-pass-this-class-and-become-a-medic-and-that-scares-the-crap-out-of-me-itis.
Have me bookmarked? The blog address will be changing from www.pinkwarmdry.com/blog to www.pinkwarmdry.com.
Thanks, ya’ll!
No, this isn’t one of those posts.
This is one of those me posts.
Most of you know that I have two little ones.
Well, they aren’t so little anymore. I just took Future Cardiologist shoe shopping and I realized that we now are within half a size of eachother as far as shoes go. Considering the fact that I’m 6’1″, that’s pretty significant.
He’s ten, folks. TEN.
This is what the little guy looks today. He’s the one on the right in case you were wondering…
This is what he looked like around the time I started blogging.
The little princess in my life, She Who Rules, is now five. She’s starting kindergarten in September. Today, I signed her up for Safe-T-City. Safe-T-City is a program that the Toledo Police Department puts on for kids getting ready to start school… Basically they teach them about strangers and in general how to keep themselves safe.
She might trade her brother for a cupcake, but she wont be taking candy from a stranger.
She Who Rules, back when I started blogging.
Note the fact that her t-shirt, even back then, still spells out her…*cough*appreciation for her brother.
So yes, I had myself a little cry.
My babies… they’re growing up. And if anyone out there has a way to stop this from happening, I’d appreciate it if you’d share it with me.
My cell phone isn’t working, but we are all okay.
If you find yourself out there, please…. know that someone is praying for you.
And I’m not the only one.
Please be safe. And stay off the roads.
I would have to say that most of the people I know who have worked in EMS for any period of time have found themselves questioning why things are done a certain way.
If that person is brave enough to actually ask “Why do we…” they are typically answered with, “Because this is the way it has always been done.”
Maybe a better way exists out there. Maybe if we stopped talking about wanting things to be better and actually got off our backsides and did some work we could be a part of the change we want to see.
I know that I’ve talked about the project Chronicles of EMS a few times in the past… I have to ask you to put up with me one more time… The gentlemen behind this program are all Paramedic’s working the streets, just like us, who have an interest in bettering EMS for all involved. From the road crews to the most important people, the public who depends on us in their time of greatest need.
So they set out with virtually no budget, just unabashed passion for an industry that is often the red-headed stepchild of public service, and they made something amazing.
If you haven’t watched the first episode of the Chronicles, you can see it here.
In just eight short months, this project has gone from an idea between a few guys to something that’s being shopped to TV executives. This is where we come in.
We need to come up with a tagline for the show other than “The Reality Series”. Something that better states what the show is all about. And there are prizes, folks. The person with the winning name will receive round trip flights and 3 nights accommodation to a location of their choice where the Chronicles of EMS will be filming. This could be New York, San Francisco, Germany, Austria, IRELAND *cough cough* If the show is going there, the winner can go with them. They will also receive show credits and some ‘on screen time’ in a future episode too.
If thats not enough, they also get a 16GB Wi-Fi, 3G iPad.
If the winner is under the age of 18, they will win a top of the line 64GB ipad Wi-Fi & 3G.
The only requirement is that you have to be a member of the Chronicles of EMS community. This is free to join and can be done in mere seconds. You can do it here.
Thanks, ya’ll… Be safe out there!
I’ve carried an Informed Pocket Guide in one way shape or form since my very first day on an ambulance (not nearly as long as most, but longer than some). The paper versions of the popular guide have proven themselves to stand the test of time, not to mention some of the…er… less popular elements we sometimes run into (or attempt to dodge) as EMS folk.
My BLS/ILS copy.
The ALS version is in there somewhere… And of course the ALS version for iPod… If one is good, two is better?!?
Many of my coworkers have one. The Life Squad I worked on the other day had a copy. So when given an opportunity to evaluate the new Emergency and Critical Care Pocket Guide for the iPhone/iPod touch, I jumped at the opportunity. I had purchased the ALS version the very day that I bought my iPod, and I’ve used it a bit. I should also start out by saying that this is the first version of this app that I’ve owned, so I’m looking at it with new eyes.
The first thing that I noticed was the improved navigation over the ALS version for the iPhone. Everything is easier to find. It’s all laid out for you from the point that you touch the title screen and gone are the days of having to skim over countless pages PDF pages to get to get to the topic you’re looking for. This saves a considerable amount of time.
Another feature that I absolutely love (and would pay the price of the app for on it’s own), are the calculators. There are built in calculators for everything from the glascow scale to the Parkland Formula. What I’ve found myself using the most in the field and in the ER during clinicals (even convinced the charge nurse one shift to purchase the app) is the conversion calculator.
Need to convert your pt’s weight into kilo’s? Check.
What size ET tube does your pedi patient need? Forgetaboutit!
Need to convert your pt’s temp from degrees to celsius? Not a problem.
Can’t remember the APGAR scale or the dosage for dextrose for a preemie because you’re too busy, er, sweating? Done and done.
The Meds section, the information on ventilators, the hemodynamic values… Win, win, win!
So, yes, I’m a definite fan. I would have paid twice what they’re asking. A great app for anyone who works as a Medic, a tech, RN, RT, etc.
Have an iPhone or an iPod touch? Pick up your copy here. It’s only $9.99, and it’s a steal at that.
I’ve always known that there was this hunk of muscle about the size of my fist in my chest. I knew it pumped blood through my entire body, and that as long as it kept beating at a somewhat regular pace, say about 80 beats per minute, that that was a good thing.
Then I started Paramedic school.
The Cardiovascular system is one of the more challenging chapters for many. Some dread it. I looked forward to it like a kid being let loose in Toys R Us with a million bucks. Or a certain medic student being let loose in a Coach purse store with 10 million bucks.
Yep. I’m a geek. Sue me :)
The more I learned, the more I wanted to learn. I would seek out cardiac patients during my ER time. I would frequently read articles from various websites and blogs written by people who have forgotten more about the heart than what I’ve learned (big shout out to Prehospital 12-lead and Paramedicine 101). When I couldn’t quite understand something, I went to my people. Blogdaddy Ambulance Driver, Medic Matthew, and JB.
I learned about the atria, ventricles, conduction pathways and coronary arteries. I learned about 3 leads, memorized rules to rhythms, and eventually began to understand what was going on in the heart to cause a certain rhythm to march across the monitor. We learned about AMI’s, and 12-leads, and how doing something as simple as moving V4 can mean the difference between nitro and fluids. I didn’t just memorize drugs and doses and that you push Adenosine really freaking fast, I learned the why behind it.
And that was just scratching the surface. What I’ve just begun to learn… It’s hard to wrap my head around.
We’ve been done with the chapters for a few months now, and I’m still eating up all of the information I can get my hands on with a big ole spoon. Today, for instance, was a very cool day. Today I was fortunate enough to be able to spend some time in a cath lab.
The first thing I learned was that I look awful in scrubs.
(And yes, that’s a Chronicles sticker on the back of my phone :)
And wearing boots certainly didn’t help.
Wow, way to get off track.
Not five minutes after getting into my lovely ensemble I found myself donning a lead vest and skirt, a cap over my hair and a mask. I was invited to watch someone have a dual chamber pacemaker put in. The Doctor, I wish I had remembered his name, was fantastic. He really took the time to explain what he was doing as he did it, and inviting me to stand directly to his right. I had a front row seat. And it was so unbelievably cool.
Electricity. It’s good stuff when it works. When Sydney Sinus gets sick, however, all kinds of wickedness kicks up. I watched the patients rate and rhythm change like the weather does in NW Ohio. Which is to say often and unpredictably. At one point there was a sinus arrest that lasted just long enough to make my heart race, about 15 seconds before returning to RSR.
The rest of my shift was equally as cool. I was able to watch a few PCI’s being performed, and watched with held breath as pefusion was returned to what had been a blocked RCA. And again, everything was explained to me as it was done, everyone went out of their way to answer any questions I had.
This is how it’s done, folks, these people were amazing. And I am so grateful for the opportunity that I was given to learn and observe.
**********
I’m within a few short weeks of finish the course, and I couldn’t be more excited. Right now my days are pretty much consumed by class and clinical time. The next 30 days, for example have me doing six 15-hour third rides on a life squad, two eight hour OR shifts for intubations, two OB shifts (cross your fingers, I still need a live birth!), seven ER shifts, a major exam and of course the days of lecture and lab.
Am I complaining? Absolutely not. Still, some days are easier than others, and I when I need a swift verbal kick to the backside, I know who to call. Honestly, though, I’m doing well. I knew this would be a challenge when I started, and it should be.
Take care ya’ll, and again, thank you for giving me this amazing opportunity! I wont let you down!
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