And I can’t sleep.
The one goal I’ve had in the last five plus years is to be a Paramedic.
Yeah, for some of you out there, I know that doesn’t sound like much. Some of you have been working as Medics for longer than I’ve been in EMS. In some cases it’s five times as long as I’ve been a Basic. Some of you have forgotten what this feels like. Some of you have never felt this way. This is just me being very real.
This is not just some job to me. It’s the only thing (other than my little ones) that means anything to me. And I’m *THIS CLOSE*….
And I’m terrified.
I’m no longer worried that I’ll finish. I’m worried about being set loose with a P card.
I don’t want to be half assed at this.
I don’t want to be merely adequate.
I’m not cool with just meeting the minimum standards. I believe the standards should be set HIGHER. And at the same time, I want to exceed those standards.
I know I’m rambling… This is what happens when I have enough time to step back from my situation and take everything in.
I have three weeks left before my final.
21 days.
That’s it.
Oh…my… Goodness.
Epi, honey, it is because of your desire to set the standard higher and exceed it that you will do well. I have nothing but faith and confidence in you. Remember, its good to be a little nervous. When the day comes when everything is old hat then its time to reassess where you’re at and think of ways that you can gain that fresh perspective on things. I know I joke about people being fresh and sparky, but really it is that enthusiasm in others that helps to renew my love for this job.
You will do well my friend. I know it.
Don’t worry, the world will be a better place because you KNOW what your doing. You might not think this yet, but that first run when everything clicks, and you know you saved that life. That’s what this is all about.
Good luck Epi! The hardest part is finding and keeping your heart in all of this. You have already passed that test. It will only get better. No worries, you will be awesome.
Epi…breathe. You’re going to be just fine. The fact that you’re worried that you won’t be good enough means that you’ll likely be much more than adequate. You are one of those people…the person that always wants to learn more – it’s a good life skill and it will serve you well in this career.
First: Listen to the nice people: Medic Matthew, JDS753, michael, and Lizzie. They speak well.
Now, coming from someone who’s been in this business nearly your entire life (and yet I’m really not that old…weird), don’t go beating yourself up when you do something adequately. Can you always do better? Sure. Should you always strive to do better? You bet! But- if you hold doing a good job (by your measure) as unreachable- you’ll find yourself on the short road to burnout and failure.
Be sure to pat yourself on the back when you do something well (sadly, we don’t get those from others very often)…THEN, if you want to see about doing it better- great.
As for the things that don’t go so well…you’re going to have to learn to move past them. Learning from your mistakes (and you will make mistakes with a P card) is important, but not if you cling to them and fear them after learning…If we were really honest with ourselves, I’d bet that most medics have made mistakes that were near-misses with fatality. Learn from them, but let them go. Practicing from a basis of fear won’t let you stay in this field long either.
So…good luck. The light at the end is really not a train. Strive to do your best, but understand that this takes time, and don’t beat yourself up over “ok”. When you make a mistake, learn from it and don’t repeat it…but neither should you be fearful of it.
Holler if you need anything.
Bob
Epi, I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, I know you can do this! Knock ‘em Dead girl :)
~Brad
@EMTGoose
You will do this. As an EMTB, FFI and II, and RN BSN – you have the heart and soul it requires to do the job, and live the life, I’m so proud of you!!!
I can only echo that which has already been said-you are a smart, compassionate woman who strives to be great at what she does. Cool!! And you did good with your daughter too, Epi. Moving forward…….
You can do this and you will do this. You have a fire in you that will not let you step half-assed into what you are doing and that is rare today. Don’t let your expectations push you into thinking you aren’t going to make mistakes or wish you did “a little bit better” and then kick yourself all over the place, either, because that’s part of the job. You still have lots to learn and, like it or not, you have to earn your chops (and ego bruises) as you move forward in you career.
Take care of your patients as you would want your family cared for and you’ll do great. A medic whom I highly regard told me, “When in doubt, take ‘em to the hospital,” and it’s words I live by every time I see a patient. Believe me, you could do a lot worse than that.
I am more excited for you than you can ever imagine. I’d love to “dust” your rookie patch if we ever cross paths in person.
You’ll do great Epi! I know the feeling on feeling like I didn’t want to be just adequate. That’s why in some ways I’m glad I have to redo my medic education.
You love what you do with a passion, you care about your patients, and you want this career to pull through. You are the core of what good EMS providers are!
Breathe… You would not have come this far if you were average Epi… You CAN and you WILL succeed; and all of us WILL be proud of you!
Don’t worry so much, you won’t half-ass this. Aiming to excel and not settle for adequacy is a great goal, but when you make mistakes, don’t let it stop you. Learn from them and improve. In many ways it’s like target shooting: a bulls-eye is great and what we aim for, but the first time you are firing the weapon, hitting inside the 1-point ring is still decent….adequate, if you will.
Evaluate where your shots went: did you hit the paper? Did you miss entirely? Did you put it through the bulls-eye through sheer luck? Study your own efforts and evaluate them against “excellent,” “pretty good,” “adequate,” and “dear God, I hope I wasn’t why they died.” The first three are all OK (although admittedly there is a whole range there), just focus on staying out of the fourth category.
When you have that down, work on tightening up those groups and putting them where you want them to go.
Of course it doesn’t help that with EMS, there are multiple bulls-eyes that aren’t centered on the paper and have some 0-point areas right next to them mixed with the lower point rings. And some joker pasted the paper targets up backward so you can’t even see the scoring areas while you shoot. But you can still learn from your shots after you go retrieve your target.
Count your hits (and misses) and don’t beat yourself up over them (plenty of other people will do that for you). Learn from your mistakes, and start remembering where the bulls-eyes are so you can hit them from the back of the target paper. You can do it.